Night Drabbles
by syriala
Summary: This will be a collection of the drabbles I write. There is no immediate plot in this and they ususally will be stand alones. I will update them as they come and I will warn at the beginning of each chapter for special tags if I feel the need for that as well as a short summary. Those drabbles will also contain Bucky and/or the Winter Soldier.
1. Having His Back

James being a sniper for the Avengers

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><p>This is a thing I started on sleepless nights and thanks to the good faith of a friend. I will update the tags as I go but if something is missing feel free to tell me. Also this is unbeta'd so all mistakes are mine. Sadly I own none of the characters.<p>

I will take prompts for this so if you have something you want me to write. Shoot.

And now enjoy!

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><p>So of course James aids the Avengers after he had some time to adjust and heal. He doesn't become an Avenger right away but he helps on missions and he resumes his sharp shooting and he has all their backs even though he suspects that some of them are not too comfortable with that.<p>

But he does have their backs and he especially has Tony's back when he's without his armour.

So when they are out on a mission and this bad guy creeps up behind Tony who doesn't notice him? James takes the shot even though the angle is off and he nicks Tony's neck in the process.

But there was no time to change positions and Tony was too busy fighting off another one and that is something Tony is not used to do without his armour, despite all the training he has with Steve and Clint and Natasha and sometimes even with James, and so James takes the shot. And the bullet grazes Tony who doesn't even flinch.

And after the battle is over, after they won, James tries to explain, tries to put a bandage around Tony's neck to stop the bleeding that already stopped on its own because it wasn't even that deep to begin with.

He apologizes multiple times and he tries to explain that he had no other choice, that the guy would have killed Tony but Tony just looks at him and James fears that this will be it that he is off sniper duty and out of the team and back to being not trusted and this is not what he wanted. He needs the purpose, he needs to know that he is welcomed with the Avengers and he cannot lose that.

But then Tony smiles and says: "I trust you. I trust you to have my back in battle and therefore I trust you with my life. There's nothing to apologize for."

And if James feels like crying for just a second? Well, no one has to know.


	2. Mean It

Tony/Steve get together

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><p>It was quiet and Tony just wanted to sleep for at least a day. But instead he was standing in his workshop trying to get rid of the last traces of adrenalin from the previous fight. The fight that nearly went wrong and Tony saw again how Steve nearly died. Which only prompted new adrenalin to flow through his body.<p>

He was so concentrated on trying to calm down that he nearly missed the door sliding open. Tony turned around to see Steve enter and he was still in his uniform and bloody and dirty but alive, he was still alive and that was good, that was really good.

Steve stopped only a few inches away and he smiled at him. "Thank you for saving my life Tony."

"Yeah well, you know... you would have done the same."

And Steve smiled again and raised his hand to cup Tony's cheek and he said: "Yes I would have."

And Tony should just enjoy this, whatever this is, because if this turns out to be like he thinks then it's what he wanted for a very long time and he knows that Steve will kiss him every second now and Tony grabs his hand and pulls it away.

"Don't," he whispers. "Not like this." Not after a fight with too much adrenalin and both of them nearly dying and in the quietness of his workshop and he can't do it like this.

"Don't do this until you mean it," he tells Steve who is genuinely confused for a second but then he lowers his hand and takes a step back.

And that hurt because even though Tony knows this is not a movie or a sweet love story he might have hoped for a second that Steve _did_ mean it. But apparently he didn't and so it's Tony's turn to step back and to turn around and to walk away. He hears Steve wish him a good night and then the door closes behind him.

It's almost three weeks later and Tony is still trying so desperately to not let it show how much he wanted something to happen that night and how much he regrets his words and how he sometimes really hates himself for talking without thinking.

Even though he didn't. It was thought through and he knows he would hurt so much more badly if he let Steve kiss him that night only for him to realize that, yeah, Tony is not really what he wanted.

So he stands by his decision even if it hurts and it does. Every time Steve smiles at him or looks at him or comes close enough to touch. It hurts even three weeks later.

And then suddenly Steve is back in his workshop and it's bright and music is blurring out of the speakers and Tony hasn't slept in too long and Steve hasn't had a mission in forever and they are both there and Steve motions for Jarvis to turn the music down.

Tony reflexively says: "Don't lower my music" even though he knows he needs to understand Steve, he knows that this is important, that he has to hear him.

And Steve just stands there for a minute and looks at him until he's suddenly close again and all Tony can hear is: "I mean it."


	3. Comfort

Clint and Natasha seeking comfort in cuddles

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><p>It had been a bad fight.<p>

Thor had been knocked out for a few minutes and that means something. The bad guys had managed to trap the Hulk and that on itself was an accomplishment. Steve had somehow lost his powers and with Thor down it was for way too long. The suit had powered down thanks to an EMP and Tony nearly fell out of the sky. Natasha took a beating like you wouldn't believe and Clint. Well Clint lost his bow.

He had been attacked by too many people and they snatched his bow and he really should have let Tony make that imprint thing he wanted, but no he had been too proud to allow Tony near his bow and now it was gone.

And even worse than that, it broke. They broke it.

Clint felt sick even thinking about that and so he pushed the thought away. He continued his way through the hallway, stealthily, because he wasn't actually allowed here.

For once he managed to stay out of medical except for a short check-up and then they banned him because he was fussing over Natasha but she was still there, just for one night of observation, and Clint needed Natasha right now.

So he avoided nurses and doctors and finally slipped into her room.

"You're late", was the only greeting he got but he didn't care. It only showed that Tasha needed this as much as he did.

"Sorry. People. And Fury."

Natasha made an understanding noise and lifted her blankets so that Clint could slip under them. He shuffled close to Natasha mindful of her injuries but she practically yanked him closer and she draped herself nearly all over him gripping him tight.

"How are you?" she asked.

"Bow broke. How are you?"

"Lost a few minutes of memory," was her short reply.

And just like that they clutched each other even tighter and that's how the doctors found them in the morning.


	4. Make Them Proud

Tony and Bucky dealing with the Hydra conditioning

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><p>So this is a bit dark and there is a major character death happening in this chapter so if that is not for you then I suggest you skip this.<p>

If you decide to read it: Enjoy. Or whatever.

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><p>Tony and Bucky had survived some rough patches.<p>

They made it through two of Tony's abductions. Through one damaged arc reactor and therefor the temporary death of Tony. They survived Hydra taking Bucky back. They fought Hydras' conditioning to bring him back and that ended in multiple injuries on the Avengers side because none of them were capable of hurting Bucky.

After that last Hydra disaster they decided that it was time to find out exactly how many triggers Bucky had and then Tony and Natasha help him breaking all of his triggers. More often than not this ended in Tony being hurt.

Natasha always came out relatively unscathed because the soldier seemed to focus on Tony but eventually they made it through all of that.

And in the end they also made it through their own thick headedness and admitted that, yes, maybe there were some feelings involved.

It took them nearly one and a half year before they were ready to give in to that.

3 more weeks for the first kiss.

An eternity for the first sex.

After that another little eternity before they moved in together.

But they made it, somehow they managed all of that, and now they were happy even though neither one of them was ready to say the three little words yet.

In the end it was Steve who did and he changed everything with that.

He and Bucky met in the kitchen where Bucky grabbed a late snack for him and Tony and Steve somehow couldn't stop staring at him.

"What?" Bucky asked but he smiled happily.

"You are happy" Steve said and Bucky rolled his eyes. "Duh. Yes of course I am."

"No I mean glowing-whistling-smiling-happy."

"Yeah?" Bucky asked a bit distracted because he tried to decide which fruit to take back to Tony.

"You love Tony" Steve said and Bucky lost his entire glow at that.

Steve thought it was because he wasn't ready to hear that so he waved it off. "You know what, forget I ever said that." He grabbed his juice and practically fled out of the kitchen.

Bucky slowly, carefully made his way back to their bedroom, snack forgotten on the table.

When he entered their bedroom Tony was already waiting for him. "That took forever. Where is my food?" He frowned when he saw that Bucky came back empty handed but smiled when he purposefully walked to the bed.

"Ready for round two already?" he joked but Tony lost his smile when Bucky didn't respond to that and instead flexed his metal arm.

"There will be no round two ever again for you" Bucky said and his voice was flat and dead.

He could see how fear crept into Tony's eyes and he knew he was thinking of calling the suit but he also knew it wouldn't make it in time.

Tony was entirely unprepared for this scenario.

And with that satisfying knowledge he wrapped his metal hand around Tony's neck and crushed his windpipe.

The soldier smiled now. Finally. He finally completed the mission he was conditioned for his whole life.

Hydra would be so proud.


	5. A Good Day

Tony and Bucky discussing Tony's size

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><p>I thought about this right after Chapter 4, so I guess it's my way of coping with what my stupid brain does. This is entirely a fun chapter with no sad feelings whatsoever.<p>

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><p>It had been a bad day for Bucky.<p>

He was struggling to keep the soldier at bay and it was so exhausting and he really didn't want to fight him anymore and it was just a bad day.

That was until Stark stormed into the room. He was talking to Jarvis making grand gestures and whirling through the kitchen. He had noticed Bucky because he had shortly greeted him but he was too busy doing whatever to stop and talk to him.

But Bucky had no brain-to-mouth filter left and no consideration of when to not interrupt, especially not on a day like this, so he just blurted out: "How do you always seem so fucking large?"

That made Stark stop and he looked at Bucky flabbergasted. "What do you mean?" he asked eventually.

"Well you always seem to be 10 foot tall. But you can't be taller than what? 5'8?"

"I am insulted. Consider me insulted."

"But how do you do it?" Bucky asked and walked over to him who, true to Bucky's words, was shorter than him.

"I always have the feeling I should be looking up to you and then I remember that you are ... well... kind of tiny."

"Excuse me? I am not tiny. I am a perfectly grow man."

"Maybe. But how do you appear so big. Is it your shoes? Are they special?"

"I'll have you known I don't have to rely on things like special shoes. Besides I'm barefoot right now" Stark said and to prove his point he wiggled his toes at Bucky. "I don't even know what you mean. I have always been the same height."

"But you don't seem it. What is your secret?" Bucky asked again and walked around him to investigate every angle. "It's like your personality is blowing you up" he eventually said and made a motion with his hands.

"That's called ego and yes it does" Stark deadpanned but Bucky shook his head.

"It's not your ego I'm talking about here. Just... how do you keep all of this" and here Bucky gestured at everything around Tony, "in that?" Now he pointed at his body.

Tony gave a mock sigh. "Yeah it's hard pretending to be smaller than I really am. Seriously Barnes I have no idea what you are talking about."

"You are like Steve before the serum. He also seemed taller than he was."

"Yeah, good, compare me to your boyfriend. I think he will be really happy about that."

"I bet it's because of the character" Bucky mused and took another walk around Tony.

"Or the genius thing. Maybe even the fact that I can't shut up. Are you done yet? Can I leave?"

"Maybe it's the fact that you seem to be too short to be this annoying" Bucky said with a smile. "But yes I am done. Move your tiny body out of here now."

"This tiny body is going to kick your ass if you are not careful Barnes. Really. Calling me tiny" Tony mumbled as he walked to the elevator.

Bucky smiled sweetly at him when Tony stood in the elevator and Tony managed to give him the finger before the doors closed.

Bucky chuckled and looked around trying to remember what he was doing before Tony had waltzed in.

Right. He was having a bad day.

Except… there was no trace of the soldier now. Bucky send a silent thank you to Tony and then he went to make his day a good day.


	6. Dumped And Found

Tony and Bucky bonding over being dumped by Steve.

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><p>Originally this was supposed to be a three part story with outlines and plot and everything but I was too lazy to do that so instead of the grown-up version you get the kid-version which was much easier to write. You could see Mean It as the first part of this but you can also read it as a stand alone.<p>

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><p>The first time it happened had been a drunken thing.<p>

Bucky and Tony were lying on a couch and gossiping about Steve without admitting how much it actually hurt to talk to the person they were dumped for. So there was a lot of alcohol involved. And at some point they had moved closer and talked less about Steve and then they looked at each other and it had just felt right.

And then suddenly there was kissing and making out and sex on the couch.

And on the next morning they both agreed it was sad, alcoholic, we-were-just-left-by-the-same-person-sex and wouldn't happen again. They could both live with that and so it was fine.

Until Steve found out. Because of course he would find out. They had no clue how he did it but he knew stuff like this and the next thing they knew was that they were both standing in the kitchen being yelled at by Steve.

How they could do this. If this was their revenge for him leaving both of them. How it was unfair to hurt him like this, especially from Bucky since he knew Steve was still in love with Tony. How tony could have let that happen. How revenge sex is not going to do anything except hurt Steve.

And so of course the second time was revenge sex.

Because let's face it neither of them cared much for Steve being hurt.

Tony had worked his courage up for almost a year before he had made it clear that he was into Steve and they had two wonderful years before Steve had to go and fight the Winter Soldier only to find out it was Bucky.

After that it took him three days to dump Tony. And then he came back with Bucky telling everyone how he found his long lost best friend and everyone could see that they were in love and probably had been for quite some time.

But then Steve had to go and compare Bucky to Tony and he realized that

Bucky obviously wasn't what he wanted either. So he broke up with Bucky to go back to Tony.

Only... when he told Tony he wanted him back Tony said no. Because having his heart broken is one thing but having it broken twice by the same person? Not a thing Tony does.

And because Bucky was also left by Steve too they formed some kind of strange friendship. Which now apparently led to revenge sex. And it was good revenge sex.

They didn't even bother to hide it because what is the point of having revenge sex when the person you want to take revenge on doesn't know.

And maybe they feel a bit bad about breaking Steve's heart, just a tiny little bit, and so they drink again. Which leads to sex again.

Which they are still not really talking about and so neither is sure what this is but when the next mission goes horribly wrong and they are all lucky to get out alive and with rather minor

injuries? There is no question about the fact that Bucky goes up to Tony's bedroom as soon as he's cleared out of medical to reassure himself that Tony is still alive. And that leads to, of course, more sex.

And they really don't question it and neither of them wants a relationship but suddenly they are spending time together and they are talking about stuff that has nothing to do with missions or Steve or the Avengers and it's strange but they click.

So when Tony starts working on the arm and Bucky is spending more and more time in the workshop even after it is finished? No one is asking questions. And when the sex keeps happening and they are even more kisses and casual touches and what if Bucky stays to cuddle after sex? It's not like Tony is throwing him out. Quite the contrary actually because he is pulling Bucky even closer. And if Bucky's stuff somehow moves onto Tony's floor? That is no one's business but their own.


	7. Aftermath

Prompt: The aftermath of what happened in Chapter 4

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><p>This was a prompt from AO3 user Tina: God, poor Bucky when he finds out what he did...and Steve, who'd feel horribly guilty and Natasha too who didn't find that last trigger. Please do a sequel with their reactions to Tony's death!<p>

I hope this meets the criteria. And just so you know this made me incredibly sad.

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><p>He knew something was horribly wrong when Jarvis started to shout at him.<p>

Bucky reflexively opened his hand, the one that was holding something, and expected to hear the shattering of glass or at least of something falling down but he heard nothing.

He blinked a few times until he could see clearly and he realized he was back in their bedroom. A cold feeling washed over him because being here without remembering how he got there meant that the soldier took over and he had genuinely thought they were past that point now.

He looked around and saw Tony lying on the bed right in front of him but he was not moving and his eyes were open and was that blood at his mouth?

Bucky leaned down to shook him not really understanding what he saw but Tony was a lifeless weight in his hands and there was still no movement.

Bucky's breath hitched and he shook Tony stronger but there was still nothing happening and then Jarvis' voice cut through the room like glass. "He is dead, Mister Barnes. There is nothing you can do for him."

"No no nonononono" Bucky mumbled and held Tony close. This couldn't happen. Tony wasn't supposed to die here in their bedroom. This couldn't be.

"What happened?" he asked, voice thick with unshed tears.

"You killed him" was all the response he got and now he remembered Steve talking to him in the kitchen and he remembered that he felt how the soldier took over in a split second, too fast to do anything against it, and he couldn't have done this.

Tony trusted him. They had worked through all of the triggers. This was not happening. This was not happening. He didn't do this. He would never.

He loved Tony.

When Steve heard Jarvis yell for him he knew that something must have happened. Some break in into the tower. Some catastrophe that demanded the presence of the Avengers.

So when he left his room he grabbed his shield and only then asked where he should go. Jarvis sent him to Tony's and Bucky's bedroom and that alone made Steve run there.

When he opened the door he didn't understand what he was seeing at first. Bucky bend over a lifeless body that looked like Tony, crying and repeating over and over that this didn't happen.

He looked at the ceiling for some support here but Jarvis remained silent and that was even more unsettling. Steve ventured carefully into the room and Bucky looked up like a startled animal and he clutched the body even tighter to him.

"He is not dead. I didn't do this" he said though it was hard to make out under all the tears.

Steve slowly approached them and he gently took hold of Tony's wrist to check for a pulse that very obviously wasn't there anymore. Tony Stark was dead.

It took them hours to pry Tony's body from Bucky's hands but finally they managed. When they did Bucky stopped talking all together and he didn't even look at Steve.

It was days later when Steve found out what exactly happened. Jarvis had refused to speak for several days and Bucky didn't speak either and so the team had been in the dark until Jarvis finally told them.

After he did Steve had to run to the bathroom otherwise he would have puked right there on the carpet.

It had been his words. His words that had prompted the soldier to come out to complete the mission.

He had done this. He puked again. He had killed his friend. He had activated a trigger and killed his friend.

And given by the state Bucky was in he might as well just have killed him too. Due to some words, some kindly meant words, because Bucky had been happy, so happy in the kitchen, he had ruined everything.

And had more than a lifetime to live with the guilt of it.

Natasha had stayed out of the funeral preparations and anything that was team related. She only came to the tower very sporadically and when she did she always sneaked into Clint's floor using the shower there to get rid of all the blood on her and let Clint stitch up whatever wounds she had.

Only to go out the next day to kill as many Hydra agents she could find. And some shield agents whom she suspected to be Hydra.

When she found one she made sure that they knew why they were being killed and she did it the exact same way that Tony was killed. Which required her to get close and thus ended in her often being hurt but she figured this was penance.

Penance because she had been the one who had declared Bucky to be without triggers. Because she hadn't found that last one. And because she and her carelessness had gotten Tony killed.

She had tried to apologize shortly before the funeral but Bucky was still... catatonic seemed to be the best was to describe it and it hadn't felt right to say it to him like that.

She had done it anyway and the only response that showed that Bucky was still in there and had heard her had been the flex of his human hand. He had ripped the metal arm off at the fourth day after the incident.

After that she had gone to Steve to apologize to him as well and he seemed in even worse shape than Bucky. He was pale and seemed sick and she knew he hadn't been able to stomach any food since that day. He had looked with hollowed eyes at her and then turned away to stare at the wall.

Natasha had nodded and accepted this as her punishment but that didn't relieve her from killing Hydra agents. Not even Clint could stop her and he only tried it once and half-heartedly at best.

They all attended the funeral, Pepper was there of course, just like Happy and Rhodey and they were all unashamedly crying. One quick glance showed her that Steve and Clint were crying too. Thor was his usual stoic self but she knew him well enough to see how shaken he was. Bruce couldn't attend because he feared to lose control. Bucky was... there. And she.

Well Natasha had seen regimes rise and fall. And even though she didn't tend to weep over that she wept openly for Tony Stark.


	8. To The Future

Prompt: Bucky was found by Shield but he doesn't yet remember Steve

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><p>This was a prompt by user : could you write a BuckySteve drabble where Bucky still doesn't have all his memories and he tries to hurt Steve but Steve calms him down and helps him through it.

I hope this is what you wanted.

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><p>When Shield called him to let him know that they had the Winter Soldier, Bucky, in their custody Steve immediately aborted his mission in Uganda and flew back to meet Coulson.<p>

It was a bit strange to think of him as the director but so far he had lived up to the post and the expectations and the fact that he had called Steve right away gave him extra points.

When Steve arrived Natasha and Sam were already there since they had been a lot closer and not halfway around the planet. Steve barely took time to greet them before he turned to Coulson to ask where he was.

Coulson showed him the way down to an especially secured room and true to his words Bucky was there. Steve had doubted Coulson's words for some time on the plane when he had time to think and believed it was just an elaborated plan to get him back to Shield.

There was only a bed in the room and Coulson had told him that a special force field kept him from breaking out.

Bucky was sitting next to the bed on the floor and he was huddled over so that he seemed so much smaller than he really was and he hadn't even realized that they had entered the room.

"We cut the audio transmission to his cell" Coulson explained to him.

"I want you to let me in there" Steve said and turned to Coulson.

"Captain, I would not recommend that. He is unstable. Violent. He is not your friend. He is still the Winter Soldier."

"No he is not" Steve said with more certainty than he felt. He wasn't an optimist per se he knew that bad stuff happened and wasn't always justified and not everything got better with time. But he had this tiny fragile hope that he could bring Bucky back.

He saw he could do it on the helicarrier and he was certain that if Coulson would just let him in there he could try and it would work. It had to.

"Please" he said silently without turning away from Coulson. "Let me in there. I can defend myself. I can bring him back." His voice was urgent and Coulson sighed and rubbed his chin. "Fine. But we'll be watching."

"But you'll turn off the audio" Steve demanded. This whole situation was nerve-racking enough without them listening in.

Coulson gave a tight nod and motioned for Steve to stand close to the barrier. "If we think you can't handle this we'll come in."

Steve nodded his agreement and Coulson lowered the barrier. Steve quickly stepped inside the room and Bucky sprang to his feet.

"Bucky it's okay it's me. Steve."

"No" Bucky whispered and looked frantically around.

"It's alright" Steve continued and walked slowly closer to him. "Do you remember what happened?" he asked and he nearly missed the frantic glint in Bucky's eyes.

Steve retreated a few steps and held out his hands. "I'm not here to hurt you. You know I'm not. I'm here to talk to you. You are my friend remember?"

Bucky's face got hard again, every confusion wiped off, and he spit the next words out. "You are my mission" and Steve felt his stomach drop at that because this was exactly like on the helicarrier and then he couldn't think anymore because Bucky was attacking him.

He barely dodged the first hit and he belatedly recalled that Bucky was almost as fast as him and he was at a disadvantage because he didn't want to hurt Bucky. Bucky did not have these concerns and so the next fist hit him square in the jaw and Steve tumbled back keeping his hands up for defence.

"Bucky, please. You know me. You have known me your whole life. Don't do this." Steve's voice was pleading and Bucky hesitated momentarily but then he threw out a kick that Steve barely blocked.

"I don't know you" he panted and used his metal arm to gain the upper hand and he pushed Steve against the wall. "I don't remember anything" he sneered right in Steve's face.

"Yes you do. You do remember. You saved me when I fell. You brought me to the shore."

"You are my mission" Bucky said again and shifted his hand away from his sternum so that it was now around Steve's neck. He saw Coulson motion for reinforcement but he waved them off. He could do this. He knew that Bucky

was still in there. He had to be.

"Buck. Listen to me. You said we would go into the future. And we both made it. Do you remember that?"

Bucky squeezed his throat a little harder in response.

"You told me not do anything stupid until you came back. Don't you recall this?"

Bucky's hand stayed were it was but there wasn't that much pressure left.

"You were different" he whispered after a few agonizing seconds and Steve smiled.

"I was shorter then."

The pressure around his throat returned and Bucky glared at him. "I don't know you" he said again but he looked uncertain and it sounded more like a question.

"You do, Bucky, you do know me. Just think."

Bucky had this concentrating look on his face and he let Steve down. Steve wasn't sure that touching him was such a good idea so he kept his hands by his side but his fingers desperately wanted to touch Bucky.

"Think!" he urged Bucky on and after a few never-ending seconds he looked at Steve.

"You said I would take all the stupid with me. But you were small."

Relief washed through Steve and he smiled. "Yes. Yes I did say that. And I got big because they used the serum on me."

"The...super soldier serum. You... they used it on me too. Zola..." Bucky said haltingly before he fell silent again.

"Yes he did" Steve said and now dared to lay a hand on Bucky's shoulder. "But it's alright. We made it to the future together and it will be alright."

And when Bucky looked at him and gave the tiniest nod Steve thought that maybe everything would really be alright.


	9. Sun And Moon

He is the sun and you are the moon

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><p>So I don't usually write second-person but this was stuck in my head and I had to get it out. So please enjoy.<p>

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><p>You look at him like he is the sun.<p>

He shines so bright, brighter than any other human you know and he orbits around you.

But you are the moon and you are pale and grey in comparison to him. You only shine because of the light he reflects on you and while it makes you proud to stand in his light it also makes you sick that you can only shine when he is there.

And he is the sun and sometimes his presence burns you but you still try to stay close and you still try to touch and he tries, he tries so hard, but you can't turn off the sun and in the end his heat consumes you.

You think you are dead because it is so cold and you miss his heat, his light, but you also know it is gone and that you are not worthy of that anymore anyway. And then you know nothing at all for a long time.

Until you meet again and his heat thaws you and you remember. You remember that he is the sun and you are the moon only you are not the moon anymore.

The years have changed you and you feel closer to space now, a cold black vacuum that absorbs everything it can get.

And his light doesn't reflect from you anymore because it is absorbed the second it hits you and you can see that he is still the sun but you can't feel the heat anymore since it goes right into that black dark hole that is you now and it doesn't make a difference.

And you tell him that, you ask him to not shine so bright, to turn to someone else because you can't take it, it is not helping, but he doesn't understand and he keeps orbiting around you like you are his sole purpose and you simply cannot take it any longer.

You don't really remember enough to know why it feels so wrong to take and take from him but you know it is wrong and he doesn't understand you anymore.

And on some days when you are better, when you are not this black cold vacuum hole, you feel frozen and you actually think that's a good thing for a second because maybe his heat can help you.

But instead of helping, melting, it is burning you and you hurt and you want it to stop but he isn't backing down, he doesn't give you enough space to freeze all over again and slowly, so slowly, it gets better.

It hurts less and less and you start to feel his warmth and you pretend it is yours even though you know it's just borrowed.

The ice days get more and more and you learn to hide on your space days and it works. You feel more like the moon again every day even if you can never stay in his light again like you did before.

But you benefit from his warmth and somehow it makes you a person again.

You are not the same moon as before, that is for sure, but it doesn't make a difference since he isn't the same sun either.

You have both grown into new things but somehow you managed to still be the sun and moon to each other.


	10. Ikea

The boys are unable to assemble Ikea furniture

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><p>This is essentially me dealing with the fact that I had one day of assembling Ikea furniture alone. I had to get through it somehow.<p>

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><p>It was meant to be an easy weekend. One trip to Ikea to re-furniture the common floor so that everyone could add a little bit of their style to the floor and then set up the furniture. It should have been so easy. Instead it was havoc.<p>

There were parts lying around everywhere and the necessary screws and tools were scattered across the floor along with the instructions that no one seemed able to follow.

"Here can you decipher that? What does that mean? Why is there a second hole? What's it for?"

"I don't know, Clint" Steve said and he sounded tired.

"Care to tell my why there's a screw left on the bed?" Bruce asked and held up the screw in question.

"How should I know. That's my first trip to Ikea. I have no experience with that" Tony answered and ruffled his hair.

It was all chaos and no one really knew what they were doing so they decided to call it quits that day and instead watched a movie sitting on the floor.

They went back to the furniture in the morning and now everyone of them felt like they had the plan how to go on with this. Except none of them really did. And so it got even more chaotic.

"Tony you are a computer genius maybe you should leave this to us you don't even know what you are doing."

"Cap, I swear to God if you imply here that I have no experience with building stuff I am going to hit you."

"No that wasn't what I..." Steve started and everyone could see that that had been exactly what he meant and so he quickly went on. "Maybe let me do it. You know. It's a lot like before. We used to do it all the time."

Before Tony could react to that Thor interrupted them. "Brethren, I think I should be the one to assemble this strong dresser. Given that I am the only one to pronounce it's beautiful name correctly, the honour should fall to me."

Tony rolled his eyes but before he could tell Thor to step down and that the name had nothing to do with actual working on assembling it Clint's voice flew down in the room.

"Dear God, take away the screwdriver from him, please! You know guys you don't have the overlook over this. You should let me decide what to do."

"Maybe we would if you would actually come down here to help. And the vents are not an overlook. Get out of there." Cap massaged the bridge of his nose. "Bruce if you could help us with this? I think we could use your calm here. Please stop drinking tea?"

Everyone stopped what they were doing to look over at Bruce who just continued to sip on his tea. "If I stop drinking this tea there will be no furniture left to assemble because the other guy will destroy it."

He had started in a low voice but he he kind of shouted the last part and took a deep breath after that. "I think I should go. This is not good for my blood pressure."

But before he could make it out of the door Natasha walked in.

"Nat. You are back! How was your totally secret shopping trip with Pepper?" Clint shouted from the vents and dropped down to land next to Tony.

"What the hell is going on here?" Natasha asked instead of acknowledging Clint.

"They are trying to assemble the furniture we bought yesterday" Bruce told her and got himself another cup of tea.

"Still? I thought that would be long done by now."

"Me too" Bruce sighed, "me too."

"It would be done if Cap would just let me handle it" Tony said.

"Oh you mean it would have been blown up by now" Cap shot back and extended a hand towards Tony. "Hand me the screwdriver and let me do it."

They all started shouting at each other and so they missed the stormy expression on Natasha's face.

"Enough" she suddenly said, not even that loud but it got all their attention. "Thor put the hammer down. Mjolnir is entirely too worthy for this work. Get the little one. Clint. Get over here and search for the screws. Hell, what did you do to them? You are supposed to collect them at one place. God, you are all morons", she sighed and put her hair in a ponytail before she continued.

"Stark. You will hold the pieces like I tell you and Steve you will pick up that screwdriver right now. Bruce", she said and turned around to look at him. Bruce had this pleading look on his face and Natasha smiled. "You stay exactly where you are. Someone hand me the instructions" she demanded and looked expectantly back at the others.

They all stared at her wide eyed and she had to snap her fingers for them to actually start doing something.

But when they did it went down in record time and no one fought and the Hulk didn't trash the place even though Bruce eventually came over to help and in the evening?

They were all sitting in the living-room surrounded by furniture they had put together. And the best thing was that there wasn't one screw left.

And Natasha didn't have to hit one of these idiots which she counted as the real win.


	11. Shoot Me

Bucky and Clint at the training range

* * *

><p>"You're a moron" Clint said as he flopped down on the couch next to Bucky.<p>

"That's rich coming from you, birdbrain" Bucky shot back without interrupting his reading. When he noticed that Clint was still staring at him after several minutes he sighed and lowered the book. "What do you want?"

"You are an excellent marksman" Clint said somewhat out of the blue.

"I am a sniper" Bucky said. "An excellent sniper."

Clint smiled as he heard that. "I wanna see you shoot. Let's make it a battle. Who hits the most targets."

"How about we do not? I'm not shooting anymore. And besides you're some freaking mutant-alien hybrid when it comes to shooting. It's unfair because you never miss and there is no chance for me to win."

Clint frowned. "That's not true" he eventually said and Bucky raised an eyebrow. Clint rolled his eyes. "The hybrid thing is not true. The rest I totally agree with. Let me destroy you on the range, Barnes. Come on" he practically whined and Bucky had to hide his smile.

"You are bored" Bucky stated and Clint beamed at him.

"Entertain me please?"

Bucky hesitated. "I haven't touched a gun since the helicarrier went down."

"I know. All the more reason to get you back in the game."

"What game? There will be no more game for me. What are you talking about?" Bucky asked and was genuinely confused.

"You're gonna be an Avenger as soon as Steve sucks it up and asks you. So you need practice. Let's get going!"

"I am not gonna be an avenger. Why the hell would you want me on your team? I'm not stable." The Winter Soldier incidents had become lesser and lesser but he was still a liability.

"Well, Coulson thinks you are so ..."

"This is a test" Bucky finished Clint's sentence. "He wants to see how well I am doing."

"Kinda? But who cares? Stark made a new setting and I wanna try it out but it requires at least two. And I am still bored. So please?"

Bucky rolled his eyes but his fingers twitched. He missed the feeling of a gun in his hands. The calm that came with sniping. Maybe he should try it. What could happen during a simulation.

"Okay fine. One round. Just one." "

Yes! Your weapons are already on the range so let's get going."

Bucky narrowed his eyes, wondering if he really was that predictable but followed Clint nonetheless. The range was an enormous room with lots of obstacles build into it and Clint was standing at a console pad entering some data.

"Okay this simulation is for two. Basically we each have to hit as many targets as we can without getting hit ourselves. If we hit one that is about to kill the other it will count double points."

"This is a game" Bucky stated and looked over his guns. There were to pistols, several clips and a sniper rifle. He took it up to test it and it felt good.

"A very elaborated, very grown up game" Clint said in an attempt to seem composed but he was wobbling on his feet in anticipation. "Can we start?" He seemed excited like a nine-year-old.

"Fine" Bucky said with one last eye roll before he calmed himself down to allow a small part of the Winter Soldier to take over. He had practiced this with Natalia and Bruce but he was curious how it would work in a battle-like situation.

Clint took up his bow and a quiver and flashed him a smile before he hit the start button.

The light dimmed immediately and more obstacles appeared. Obstacles and enemies.

Clint shot the first one before Bucky could even move a muscle and grinned. "Keep up, winter boy" he said and then ran into the room.

Bucky let the Winter Soldier take momentarily control over his body and he also ventured further into the room.

He shot holograms right and left and when he emptied all the clips he had he threw his pistols away and looked for a good position. He found one on the far side of the room directly at the wall and above everything else. He jogged over to it and got into position.

From up there he eliminated the enemy with a speed and precision that made Clint pause for a second and Bucky could hear him whisper "Damn".

He allowed himself a small smile before he concentrated again. He found it much more difficult to control the Soldier in this environment than in the gym with Bruce but he managed it.

After a while he could tell that the simulation was coming to its end because the enemies increased in number. He shot one after another and when Clint turned around with a victorious smile on his face he only saw it because he was watching him through the rifles' lens.

The Soldier smiled and his finger hit the trigger and Clint's eyes grew wide as an enemy fell down behind him.

"You've got to be kidding me. Where did he come from?"

Bucky pushed the Soldier back down, satisfied with his control over him, and stood up. "You are too distracted."

"Not true." Clint retorted. "Jarvis what's the final count?"

"Thanks to that last shot Mister Barnes won by one point."

Bucky started to laugh at that because Clint grew first white and then red and he threw a little temper tantrum, cursing Stark for making this simulation at all.

"Distractions, Barton, distractions. If you wouldn't have been so sure of your victory you would have seen him coming."

Clint turned around to him and pointed a finger at Bucky. "I want revenge."

"You bet on it. But be prepared to get your ass handed to you" Bucky said and started to collect new clips.

"Oh you think you can do this twice? You are so mistaken!"

"Stop talking and bring it on, bird boy" Bucky said and slid a new clip into his pistol.

Clint gathered some arrows and then hit the start button again.

Natasha found them hours later arguing about whose shot killed the last guy so that a winner could finally be determined and when she told them that they were being stupid she was met with two

identical grinning faces that challenged her to beat either of them.

She accepted with a grateful and only slightly terrifying smile and the boys already regretted their decision.


	12. Til The End Of The Line

The Winter Soldier and Steve meet again under less than ideal circumstances

* * *

><p>A friend asked me to do this after I told her about the prompt for Chapter 8. She wanted a different outcome though and her words were: I want Steve to accidentally kill Bucky and right before he dies he remembers.<p>

So this is exactly that. Which means major character death ahead. Be warned.

* * *

><p>The soldier knew that his superior strength had long gone away.<p>

He wasn't sure how it worked exactly but it had to be something Hydra injected him with because after the disaster with the helicarrier he hadn't gone back to Hydra and he had gradually lost his strength and healing power.

It was still enough to heal his shoulder much quicker than it normally would have but if he sustained any serious damage? He wouldn't make it and he knew it.

Despite that, when he saw Captain Rogers, his target, he started to make a plan because the mission had priority. He had at least to try.

The target was coming from a huge tower and he had his shield with him but he was alone. The soldier would have preferred if the target was unarmed, because the shield was truly just a weapon, but he had to take this opportunity now. Maybe he wouldn't get another one. After all he didn't know exactly how the loss of his strength would affect him further.

He jumped down the roof noticing how different that felt now and silently made his way over to the target. He wished he had a gun on him, then this whole thing would have been much easier, but he lost all of them in the Potomac when he foolishly dived after the target.

So now he just had his knife and it had to be enough.

The target noticed him before the soldier reached him but he didn't draw the shield. He just stood there arms extended and hands open like an invitation for the soldier to kill him.

The soldier picked up his pace and he could hear that the target was talking to him but he didn't listen. The last time he listened to that man it had nearly cost him his life and it compromised the mission. And he probably wouldn't get another chance. Not with how fast he was deteriorating.

He unshed his knife and tackled the target with full speed, knife burying in his side, but he knew that it was not long enough to cause any real injuries. Especially if it was removed instantly since the serum would heal the target.

The target seemed to notice now, with blood pouring form his side, that his words had no effect and weren't even heard because he got the shield from his back and a vicious fight began.

The soldier noticed that the target still held back, probably in hope of his friend coming back, but the soldier gave everything he had.

He got a few good hits in but he also received them. He received more than his serum-deprived body could handle and he knew it. But he didn't step down because he had to finish this.

The target was still talking to him and he seemed to notice that something was off but he kept defending himself and as long as he wasn't giving up the soldier was not interested in what the target had to say.

But he got distracted by all the pain in his body so that the target could get a hold of him and soon he found himself pinned down. The soldier knew that there was no way out of this, not as weak as he was, and he could feel all the damage the target had dealt. He wouldn't walk away from this one.

He struggled one last time but the target didn't budge, the soldier had lost his only weapon and so he gave up.

He listened to the target talk to him and he knew that he should remember whatever he said but he didn't.

And then the target used that one line again, 'I'm with you till the end of the line', and while the soldier had thought about that many times, hearing it from the target made the difference.

He could already feel how the memories came back but he could also taste the blood in his mouth and he could feel his heart stuttering. He didn't have it in him to fight anymore and when he gave into the memories Bucky Barnes came back with full force.

But also with a distinct lack of memory of being the Winter Soldier and so what Bucky Barnes saw was this: Steve rogers sitting on top of him, pinning him down and he knew that the injuries he felt were deadly.

And the only thing Bucky got to say in this new world before he died was "Steve, why?"


	13. Why?

Chapter 12 from Bucky's point of view

* * *

><p>So since this piece belongs to chapter 12 the major death character warning still applies. It's rather short but then again Bucky didn't have much time.<p>

* * *

><p>Bucky Barnes blinked and found himself on the ground.<p>

He thought for a split second that he had survived his fall, that the snow had slowed it down or softened his landing on the ground, but then he noticed that there was no snow, only concrete beneath him and that Steve was on top of him.

He tried to say something but pain flared up all at once and his vision went briefly black and so he gasped in pain. He regained his vision to see Steve lower his fist and the implication of that made Bucky dizzy all over again.

He tried to remember what happened but he only recalled Steve not being able to catch him and then falling and this right now didn't fit in the picture.

Steve looked rumpled and by the position they were in Bucky guessed that he did that. He tried to move, to shove Steve off of him but he couldn't really move and there was pain everywhere.

And now Bucky also noticed the blood in his mouth and his erratic heartbeat and he couldn't believe this. Steve would never hurt him like that. Never.

But it appeared he had and instead of getting off of him Steve grabbed the front of Bucky's shirt to shake him.

"You are Bucky. Bucky Barnes. You are my friend." He said it with urgency and Bucky wanted to laugh because this didn't look like they were friends, more like mortal enemies really, but when he tried he only coughed up blood.

He stared horrified at Steve, finally understanding that Steve had killed him, that this would kill him and that prompted a panic that was not good for his heart.

He tried to calm down tried to find another solution for this before he died, before his death was on Steve's hands but this left no room for interpretation.

The sickly little boy he had saved so often had killed him, apparently with his own hands.

And so when Bucky felt the life draining from him he managed to ask the most important question, the question which answer would make everything better, the question which answer would make him believe that he wasn't betrayed by his best friend. "Steve, why?"


	14. Empoly Me

Bucky swings by the tower but he's different than expected

* * *

><p>He knew that if Steve found out who he was the only chance he had was to give Steve hope. If Steve thought that his best friend was gone he would do what was necessary and he knew he didn't stand a chance if Steve went all out on him. Not if the fight dragged on for much longer.<p>

And so when the muzzle mask came off and Steve recognized him he decided in a split second that playing a little game would be the best. So he played dumb, pretending not to know what Steve was talking about and it proved to be right when Steve immediately stopped fighting him.

When the soldier vanished he allowed himself a sly smile because he knew that he now had the upper hand. If he was sent against Steve again he could kill him without much resistance.

His handlers weren't happy with him, though, and they tried to wipe him without knowing that that worked less and less every time they tried it. He endured it and was pleased when they send him off to fight Steve again but when they didn't give him his mask and his goggles he knew that they planned something.

It had struck him as strange that they had used him so openly this time, after decades of wanting him to be a shadow, and the fact that they send him like this now strengthened his believe that Hydra planned to get rid of him.

He knew enough about the plan to know that if it worked like Pierce wanted Hydra would establish a new world order and he wasn't needed in that.

He knew if he wanted to survive this he had to find Steve again, as paradox as that sounded.

So when he was on the helicarrier he made his way through enemies not caring if they were with Hydra or not and when he finally confronted Steve he saw that Steve would fight him to complete his mission.

He also knew that after that Steve would give up and that was not what he needed. He needed Steve to give him new missions, to give him some purpose and when everything was done and Steve fell in the Potomac it was either die with Hydra or save Steve and the decision was easily made.

He left Steve on the shore after he was sure he was still breathing and thought that playing hard to get was the right approach here.

He waited several months before he showed up in the tower, hands up to show that he was unarmed.

Stark was the first one to arrive, probably alerted by his AI but Steve was right behind him.

"Bucky" he breathed and the soldier fought the urge to roll his eyes and he thought "Fuck this. No more playing games."

He turned to Stark, too annoyed by Steve's glance to deal with him right now.

"You're gonna employ me. Hydra endangered me with that last mission and they are mostly gone now and you will give me new assignments."

Stark stared at him, mouth slightly open and Steve was the first to say something. "Bucky you don't have to be like this anymore, you are free now. You don't have to do this."

His already thin patience snapped and he turned to Steve. "Fuck off, Rogers. I'm not your friend. I know what I am and I like it and you" he pointed at Stark, "will find use for me."

Steve's mouth snapped shut and he looked so goddamn hurt and the soldier smiled cruelly. "Yeah. Get it now? I played you. I know you would never hurt me and I used that against you. You are the same wide-eyed, trusting idiot from before the war. It's sad really."

Steve's face had gone white and he took a step back as if hit by the words. "You remember" he whispered.

The soldier laughed. "Of course I remember. That whole wiping thing was to keep me under control and not to erase who I am."

"But how can you..." Steve started and the soldier talked over him. "How can I not? They gave me an opportunity and since you had gone and became a hero who had no need for me anymore I thought to myself, well why not. This would make me strong and a hero in my own right and I loved it."

Steve's eyes had gone wide. "Buck. You killed people."

"Yes I did. And let's face it killing people is an art form. And so much more fun than saving them."

Steve took another step back. "No. This is not you." He turned to Tony. "He is brainwashed. We have to do something."

Tony stroked his chin contemplating everything. "I don't know, Steve" he eventually said. "He sounds sane. I mean as much as this can sound sane. I think that this is really your friend. And to be honest being your sidekick couldn't have been so much fun."

"But we did good things. We saved so many people."

"No, Steve. You saved people. I died falling from a train cause despite all of your super-soldier strength you couldn't catch me."

"I'm so sorry for that, Buck. I couldn't reach you. But you were one of the good guys" Steve pleaded.

"I was a sniper, Steve. Snipers kill unseen without warning. That is not what a good person does. And it gave me such a rush every time I hit someone. And being an assassin? Even better."

"But..."

"No 'but', Steve. And now shut up I don't think you can give me what I want here. Stark" he said and turned towards the man. "Employ me?"

"Steve, would you leave us please? We have to talk about pay."

Steve looked horrified back and forth between Stark and the soldier but then he left with the most beaten face the soldier had ever seen. He rolled his eyes again.

"He is like a big fucking puppy. Unbelievable."

Stark turned around to him. "You know I have only seen videos but I think I can guess what the muzzle mask was for."

The soldier gave him a wolfish smile. "So. Payment."

Stark nodded. "Food and shelter whenever you need. Clothes and electronics too."

That didn't sound too bad to the soldiers ears.

"What's my job?"

Now it was Starks time to smile. "You want to kill, right?"

The soldier nodded.

"So you'll go with Natasha to eliminate all Hydra agents that made it out."

The soldier laughed. "Revenge on my handlers? I am so on board with this."

* * *

><p>So in this story Bucky is very obviously on board with being an assassin and this really was just an opportunity for me to write some shit-talking Bucky who is not the broken and battered guy we know from the movie. I won't make excuses for this, I had too much fun.<p> 


	15. Move In

Continuation of chapter 14, picks up one year after that

* * *

><p>So one of the comments on chapter 14 predicted this chapter though it was written long before that^^<p>

* * *

><p>When Natasha and he came home they were exhausted. They had followed every single lead they could find and it took them nearly over a year but they had managed to kill every Hydra agent they could get a hint on.<p>

And though it had been an exhausting year it had also been a good year.

James, he had decided to take the name James since neither the soldier nor Bucky seemed fitting, had learned a lot about himself and even though he had not 'found back to him' like Steve had phrased it he felt much more stable now.

And he was kind of accepted into the tower.

So when they walked into the kitchen and found Clint there he asked how they had been and he was actually curious if James was alright.

"My arm broke" James answered and showed him the metal arm that was stuck in one position. "Do you know where Stark is? I need him to fix this. It kinda hurts."

"He and Steve are down in the workshop" Clint answered.

"Great thanks", James said and turned to go there immediately.

"Hey what about a report?" Clint called after him and James turned back around. "Natasha can give it to you. You know, since she was also there and all."

"I know" Clint said and rolled his eyes. "But she always leaves out all the interesting parts" he pouted and Natasha smacked him on the shoulder for that. James rolled his eyes at them and went down to the workshop.

He stopped in the hallway when he heard Stark and Steve arguing.

"Tony, he is not Bucky anymore!" he heard Steve say and when James noticed that this argument was about him he inched closer to the corner so that he could observe the situation.

"I didn't know Bucky, Steve. I only know the person he is now. I don't compare him to someone that is long gone. And I like him."

Steve stared at him. "He is a murdered."

Tony held his gaze. "We are all murderers."

Steve seemed taken aback by this but he caught himself quickly. "He doesn't regret that. And he killed innocent people" Steve hissed and Tony just shrugged though he stared Steve down.

"I don't regret killing people. Most of them deserved it and I refuse to feel bad for them. And I know that I killed innocent people but I can't let that pull me down. I can't regret that. Do you know where that would leave me? And we all killed innocent people. Don't you dare deny that. Natasha and Clint did and probably even Bruce. Thor most likely did too. I bet even you killed some innocents even if only because they were casualties in the big fight. None of us is free of that."

Steve didn't seem to know what to say to that and James decided that now was a good time to come out. He didn't even try to hide the fact that he had been listening and instead said "Aw, that's so sweet, Stark, I didn't know you cared. Thanks for defending me."

They both whipped around but Tony caught himself faster than Steve did. "Yeah you shut up. What is it that I see there? Damaged my arm again?"

"I think you will find that it is my arm since it's attached to my body and all."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever."

James walked into the workshop and gave a sharp nod at Steve who couldn't hold his gaze. James shook his head, unable to comprehend how a person could cling like this to something, someone, that was never going to come back.

"Captain" he greeted him and Steve barely acknowledged him.

"Okay this is just ridiculous and awkward. Steve, see you later. Barnes, get your ass over here" Tony said and broke the tension with that.

Steve stiffly walked out of the workshop and James turned to Tony. "Oh I bet you would like a piece of my ass. And by the way I have a name. It's James."

"You finally decided. Took you long enough. And you will be Barnes as long as I will be Stark and holy shit what did you do to my arm."

James had settled down and revealed his messed up arm while Tony had gathered some tools. "Again it's my arm. And it ... kinda broke."

Tony stared incredulous at it. "If you keep this up I'm gonna 'kinda break' you. What did you do?"

"I tried to stop a tank?"

Tony looked at him as if he wanted to smack him in the face. In the end he just shook his head.

"Should've used your head instead. I bet that would have worked better."

"This face is way too pretty to damage" James shot back while Tony was already working on getting the arm at least open.

"Did anyone ever tell you that you are way too full of yourself? You're not even that good looking."

"That's what the muzzle mask was for, remember? And besides, we both now that that's not true. I am entirely too pretty."

"Mhm sure" Tony mumbled, fully engrossed in the delicate circuitry that was hidden beneath the metal plates.

"So what was your argument about?" James eventually asked, only half hiding his curiosity. He doubted that they just started to talk about him randomly.

Tony quickly glanced up at him and smiled. "It was about you. Thought you would've worked that out. Maybe you did damage your head somehow."

"I'm gonna hit you" James threatened and Tony looked down at the metal arm.

"While I'm wrist deep in this very delicate technological master piece that is your arm? I don't think so."

Tony stayed silent for a few seconds before he said "I suggested that you move in now that the Hydra thing is taken care off."

James blinked. "Move in. As in moving in into this tower?"

"Do I have to get Bruce for a brain scan? Or someone for your ears?"

"Super-soldier remember? Nothing can really hurt me."

There was a minute movement and James jumped when an electric surge rushed through his body.

"Oh I'm sorry my screw slipped. Did that hurt?" Tony asked sweetly and went back to his work.

"Asshole" James said but he grinned before he got serious again. "No but really. You want me to move in here? With the team? Permanently?"

"What did you think where you were going after this?"

"I don't know? Away? This employment was only for taking care of Hydra."

Tony pushed back a bit from the arm and looked at James. "Your employment has ended months ago. The thing that happened the months after that? That's called team bonding."

"I didn't think I get to bond with the team."

Tony rolled his eyes. "And what do you think they were doing when Thor challenged you to a drinking game, when Clint took you down to the shooting range, when Bruce offered some relaxation techniques to calm you down?"

James thought about that and it seemed true. Whenever he and Natasha came back for new intel and new supplies each member of the team had dragged him off to something. Not to talk about all the quality time he got to spend with Natasha. And of course he had a room here in the tower but he had assumed it was just because of safety reasons. He would have never assumed that the team would 'bond' with him. But it was true. Everyone had done something with him. Except Steve and Tony.

"And where is your bonding?" James asked after a little while and Tony smirked at him.

"What, you think I repair your arm for nothing? This is me bonding."

James raised an eyebrow. "Drooling over my arm, being an ass and yelling at me is bonding?"

"Well I'm learning. If you're lucky I'll only grumble at you next time" Tony said and went back to work at the arm. "And just so you know? This amount of damage deserves more than yelling. I don't even know why I gave you this beautiful piece of tec. You don't even know how to appreciate it properly."

"I would appreciate it a lot more if it could stop a tank without snapping."

Tony looked thoughtful at him. "I think I'm gonna make you a tank proof helmet. Much less work and easier replaced."

That startled a laugh out of James and Tony smiled satisfied. It took James another few minutes before he said "Steve doesn't want me to move in."

"Nope" was all the response he got from Tony.

"But you don't care" James eventually went on and Tony sighed.

"Look. Steve still sees his missing friend in you. And while none of us have that problem, because we didn't know you before, it's a bit harder for

him. He'll come around. See you for the person you are now. Until then this is my tower and I get to decide who moves in."

"But he is right. I am a murderer."

"Geez if you don't want to move in just say so."

"No I would want to" James said and watched Tony's reaction closely but he only smiled.

"Good. Then get your stuff out of that room you live in and Jarvis will tell you which floor is yours."

"What about the arm?" James asked and looked down at it.

"All done and taken care of" Tony said as he closed the last plate. "And now get your rheumatic little ass out of here."

"And again with my ass. You've got a fixation, Stark" James shot back and stood up.

"Mhm. Do you keep telling yourself that you are just irresistible or is this confident thing innate?" Tony asked and put his tools back.

"I guess you have all the time in the world to find out now."

"I guess so" Tony smiled as he ushered James out of his workshop.

Living in the tower promised to be a lot more fun than being on missions with Natasha. James smiled widely as he asked Jarvis which floor he could lay claim to.


	16. Long Gone

The death of the team

* * *

><p>As the summary says this chapter is about the death of the Avengers over the time witnessed by Steve. If character death is not for you you should skip this chapter. For the others: enjoy... or whatever<p>

* * *

><p>Clint had been the first to go. It was kind of ironic because the team had told him again and again that he had to stop throwing himself from buildings because one day there wouldn't be someone to catch him.<p>

Clint had just laughed at that and shrugged and told them that he would get back up even if that happened.

But he didn't get back up. Not with that many shattered bones in his body.

Natasha had become reckless after that, taking risk after risk and she wouldn't listen to the team.

It was after five days that the Avengers got a lead on Natasha's captors and by then it was too late. What the team found out later was that she died under torture with less resistance than any of them would have ever thought.

Maybe it was true what Fury had prophesised when he said that Clint's death broke her.

Coulson quit after that.

He had a hard time dealing with Clint's death but after Natasha he resigned and vanished. The team knew that Fury kept an eye on him and so they didn't worry that much until one day during a debriefing Fury told them that they had to attend Coulson's funeral next Tuesday. He didn't explain or say what happened but no one expected him to.

They all showed up on Tuesday.

Thor...Thor's death was kind of laughable. If it wouldn't be sad.

He didn't die during a fight or because of carelessness but because of politic intrigues.

He had succeeded his father as the rightful heir and king of Asgard but it looked like not everyone was on board with this. He died of poison.

Sif came to the earth to tell them and the team, well Steve, Tony and Bruce, since it was down to them, mourned him for a long time.

Tony died because one of the villains they fought on a general basis found out that the arc reactor was actually pretty easy to damage.

All it needed was a hard shove so that it crushed Tony's spine and cause a lot of internal damage.

Tony bled to death before Steve could even reach him.

There was a lot of publicity to this whole thing, much more than to the death of the other avengers, and Pepper handled it as best as she could.

One day she came to Steve with a lot of paperwork and told him that Tony had left most of his stuff to him. She said his exact words were 'He's gonna live forever. He needs a familiar place.'

Steve tried to drink himself stupid after that but of course it didn't work.

Bruce died of the only thing the hulk couldn't protect him from: old age.

He aged at Steve's side until his body failed him and his heart gave up.

The hulk didn't show his face once.

Steve was standing at the cemetery looking down at the graves of his team mates.

They had buried them all at one place, even made a stone for Thor, so that the team would still be together.

It had been twenty years since Bruce died now, sixty since Clint's death, and Steve hadn't visibly aged. He still looked like he was in his later twenties, though he felt so much older.

He came to the graves regularly, told his team about the changes that happened, about the villains he fought, mostly alone these days, and sometimes he just stood there.

Today was such a day.

He had nothing to say to his dead team and he wondered how long he could keep doing this.

He startled when a hand laid down on his shoulder and he turned around, already grabbing for his shield. When he saw who it was his fingers lost the grip on it.

"Bucky" he whispered and felt a rush of emotions he couldn't name.

Bucky looked a bit older, maybe like he was in his mid-thirties now instead of his late twenties, but it was unmistakable him.

Steve had searched for him after Hydra and Shield went down but he had never managed to find him.

"I'm sorry it took me so long" Bucky said and he even sounded like before.

He squeezed Steve's shoulder again and he closed his eyes to hold back the tears. Maybe with Bucky by his side it would be easier to endure all of this.

He took Bucky's hand in his own and turned back to the graves. They spend the rest of the afternoon looking at the graves of people that were long gone.


	17. Touch Me

Tony and Bucky deal with an illness

* * *

><p>This is the fault of my friend who told me, again, that the inspiration of Tony Stark had a certain illness. It was too good to pass it up. I have no actual knowledge about this illness and if I got something wrong here please tell me. But do consider that this is fiction.<p>

* * *

><p>It had started after his excursion to Afghanistan. When he noticed it didn't go away Tony went to see a doctor and he told him that his condition was called allodynia.<p>

Touches that normally don't hurt cause pain. Like the brush of his clothes. Being handed things. Picking something up.

It was constant and always there and he kept it a secret.

He had built his armour so that there was only minimal contact and he learned to control it. With the right meds it could be dulled down to a numb pain, something he grew accustomed to and could ignore in the heat of battle.

But with Bucky... with Bucky everything was sharp and present and intense and pain and especially with the metal arm.

They had this...thing for almost three months now and Tony had managed to avoid too much direct physical contact up to now by being a mad genius with fucked up sleeping patterns and a trillion things to do but there were only so many excuses he could give.

And the real problem here was that Tony really wanted Bucky. He wanted him in every way possible and yet he still couldn't bring himself to kiss him.

Because it just hurt. It hurt him everywhere.

His lips, his tongue, his chest when Bucky pressed up against him, his waist where Bucky's hand cradled him closer and especially his head where Bucky's metal hand rested against his side.

It left Tony in agony and so he had kept Bucky at arm's length as good as he could.

Of course sometimes Bucky would sneak up to him, surprise him and Tony couldn't always stifle his pained gasp but so far Bucky hadn't commented on it.

That was until this evening.

Bucky had cornered him in his workshop, asking Jarvis to let no one else in, and then he had walked up to Tony and said "We have to talk."

And this right there was break-up talk, Tony knew that, he knew that and he still feared it but he nodded and fully turned towards Bucky.

He refused to lean against the workbench because that meant more pain and he needed to concentrate and he would be in enough pain after this as it was so he straightened up and looked Bucky in the eye.

"Already tired of me huh?" he asked in an attempt to get this over with as fast as possible without giving away just how much this would hurt him and Bucky frowned.

"Not so much" he replied and Tony didn't dare to read anything into that. "But it seems like you grew tired of me rather quickly and I want to know why."

Tony blinked a few times not understanding because this was so far from the truth he didn't even know where to start and so all he could manage was an unintelligent "What?"

"If you are tired of me you just have to tell me" Bucky said and suddenly couldn't meet Tony's eyes anymore.

"Why would you think I'm tired of you?" Tony asked and Bucky let out a bitter laugh.

"You are avoiding me. You keep your distance. And I get that the metal arm is kinda creepy but you don't have to act like you fear it, you know. I won't hurt you."

Tony wanted to laugh at that because all this arm did was hurting him and so was Bucky even though he didn't know it. But he cursed himself for not covering this up better, for not making Bucky feel wanted and he should just tell Bucky now. This was his opportunity he knew that. But he had kept it a secret for so long now and so he kept his mouth shut about that.

"I want you Bucky" he said instead. "I do. I really... like you" he went on and he could see that Bucky had a hard time believing him. "I'm not tired of you and I doubt I ever will be and the metal arm is just cold. I don't hate it" Tony went on and prayed that Bucky would accept this.

"You keep avoiding me" Bucky said again and now it held the tone of an accusation.

"I'm a busy man Bucky. I keep redesigning your arm and my suits and there's armour to be made and weapons for Clint and Natasha and even though Pepper is CEO I still have a lot to do at the company and I'm not avoiding you."

It looked like he hadn't handled all of this very well if Bucky already felt like this.

"You're not tired of me" Bucky stated and it was not a question anymore. He held his hand out towards Tony.

"No I'm not" Tony answered with a little smiled and took his hand, bracing himself for the pain that it caused.

"Let's have dinner tonight?" Bucky asked, suddenly shy again and Tony couldn't possibly say no to that.

It was only after Bucky left that he realized that this would mean kissing and probably making out and maybe even more and while he wanted all of that with Bucky he couldn't have it. He could barely stand the kisses as it is, if there was any more contact involved he wouldn't be able to hide it anymore.

But he wanted to give Bucky what he wanted, he wanted to make him happy and Tony wanted nothing more than to stay with Bucky. To have a real relationship and not this hurried stolen kisses in the workshop.

So he marched over to his cabinet to get his drugs. He would give Bucky what he wanted today.

When he arrived at Bucky's floor he already felt a bit light headed and he told himself that it was because he was nervous and excited but a little part of his brain insisted that mixing his drugs and taking that amount was probably not a good idea.

He pushed that thought aside because he just wanted to spend a night with Bucky and he barely even felt his shirt on his skin so the drugs were working.

He found Bucky in the kitchen and walked right up to him pulling him in for a kiss. It only prickled a bit and Tony smiled. This would work after all.

Bucky smiled right back bit then he frowned. "Are you alright? You're sweating."

"I'm fine" Tony said and had a hard time not slurring the words. "What'ya cooking?" he asked and looked behind Bucky on the stove.

"Stew" he said and was suddenly shy all over again. "I know this is not much and that you are used to better meals bit this is the only thing I know how to make so..." he trailed off and Tony pulled him in for a kiss again, deeper this time.

When they pulled apart he rested his forehead on Bucky's and said "It's perfect."

He helped Bucky set the table even though he wobbled on his feet and when he turned to get the water bottle he lost his grip on it and it crashed to the ground.

Bucky spun around to him worry all over his face and Tony waved him off. "Lost my grip" was all he said because he couldn't quite speak anymore and Bucky was suddenly right there at his side and how did he get there.

"Tony what's wrong?" Bucky asked and stabilized him with a hand on his elbow that Tony barely even felt. His world spun suddenly and he murmured "Must've taken too much" before everything went black.

He woke up on the medical floor and when he looked around Bucky was right there by his bed.

Tony made a little movement with his hand and that was all it needed to bring Bucky's attention to him.

"Tony" he breathed and there was pure relieve in his voice.

"What happened?" Tony slurred and Bucky's face closed off.

"You overdosed" was all he said and Tony cringed before he looked away unable to hold Bucky's gaze any longer.

"Tony why would you take lidocaine and morphine?"

"Because I'm an addict" Tony said and he rather have Bucky believe that than having to explain the real reason. But of course Bucky didn't buy it.

"You're not a drug addict, Tony. What is going on? The doctors said those drugs can be used to treat various diseases. Are you sick?" Bucky moved to grab his hand and there was real concern in his voice but Tony couldn't stand another touch.

The blanket and him lying on the bed was already worse enough and so he hastily moved his hand. Bucky looked down at it obviously hurt and then he moved away from the bed.

"I think I'll leave now" he said and that was the last thing Tony wanted.

"Allodynia" he blurted out and Bucky stopped dead in his tracks.

"What?" he asked and turned back to Tony.

"What I have is called allodynia" Tony explained after he took a deep breath. "It means that every touch, every contact with things hurts. It hurts to lie in this bed and to have this blanket on me and your touch hurts and especially the metal of your hand and I am so sorry I never wanted you to know that."

Bucky sat rather ungraciously back on his chair and by the look on his face Tony could tell that this was all over now.

"Why did you take the drugs?" Bucky asked after long minutes of silence.

"I wanted to give you what you wanted" Tony mumbled and avoided Bucky's eyes. "I wanted to make you happy."

"It would have made me happy if you told me that something was wrong."

"I am so sorry" Tony repeated. "No one knows this and I didn't know how to tell you and I am so, so sorry. And I of course understand that you have to go now. I just...I didn't want it to end like this."

Bucky looked incredulous at him. "End? Nothing ended" Bucky said and leaned closer. "And I am not going anywhere."

Now it was Tony's turn to stare at him. "Don't you understand? I can never give you what you want. This will not suddenly go away. It will always be like this where your touch will hurt me."

"So we don't touch anymore. That's fine. I just have to show you otherwise how much I like you."

Tony felt happiness bubble up in his chest but he wasn't quite ready to believe it.

"Bucky. There will never be an intimate relationship. No cuddling, no kisses, no sleeping together, not even holding hands."

"Yeah I know" Bucky simply replied.

"But you like to touch. You are tactile. This is never gonna work" Tony said and he was aware that he somehow tried to sabotage himself here but he couldn't help it.

"Tony" Bucky said and his voice was serious. "I can live with that. Really I can. I like you too much to walk away from this so shut it. As long as you don't tell me that you want me to leave I'm not going anywhere."

Tony needed a few seconds to understand what Bucky was saying but then he smiled. "I like you right where you are."

"Good" Bucky replied and fiddled a bit with his hands, obviously not knowing where to put them since he couldn't touch Tony.

"My hair...I'm not so sensitive there" Tony eventually said and Bucky carefully rested his hand in his hair, trying to avoid touching his head and it was just enough so that Tony could feel it.

"This is nice" Tony said and Bucky agreed with him.

They sat like this for a while and Tony felt so tired that his eyes slid shut.

"Sleep some more" Bucky whispered and Tony made an effort to open his eyes again.

"A kiss on the head wouldn't be so bad" Tony sluggishly said and Bucky smiled softly.

"Okay" he said and leaned forward to put a feather light kiss on Tony's forehead.

It didn't even hurt that much and the last thought Tony had before he fell asleep again was that maybe this wouldn't be so bad.

* * *

><p>The same friend also requested this to be a chaptered story with more plot and words and I am considering doing that so if you like this you might want to keep an eye out for that<p> 


	18. Wake Me Up

Bucky has some problems with nightmares

* * *

><p>And again, the major character death warning applies for this one. I am sorry that there are so many of them. Still hope you enjoy them.<p>

* * *

><p>Bucky was mostly himself these days.<p>

All of his memories came back and even though he feels far removed from them like they are just a movie he watched, he learned to relate himself to them. And so he is mostly Bucky.

The nights though they belong to the Winter Soldier.

It's when Bucky dreams that he comes out and relives his most successful moments and they make Bucky turn and toss in his sleep until he startles awake.

The dreams that make him scream though they are always about Steve. It bugs the soldier that he couldn't complete his mission and when the soldier dreams it's always about killing Steve.

Sometimes Bucky wakes up screaming and he needs Jarvis and bright light to remember that he is in the tower that he is safe and that Steve is far away in his own bed and that he can't hear Bucky scream his lungs out because of all the sound-proofing that Tony did and that there is no way he would ever do that to Steve. It helps to ground him.

Until Steve doesn't sleep in his own bed anymore.

Bucky knows, he remembers, that there had been glances and brushed hands and that squeezing feeling whenever Steve fell sick again and Bucky knows that he flirted with even more girls after he had to crawl in with Steve to keep him warm but he still thought that it was one sided.

Especially now after everything that happened, after everything he did. But apparently it wasn't because one day when Steve was making breakfast for them, because he still needed to be supervised with things that consisted of taking care of himself, Steve put down a plate of scrambled eggs and bacon in front of him and when Bucky looked up to thank him for that, since it was the polite thing to do, he was met with Steve's lips on his own.

They quickly found out that it wasn't one sided for either of them and also that Bucky wasn't really ready for this. He asked Steve to sleep with him though because his presence always calmed his scrambled mind. And Bucky hoped that it would work in the nights too.

And so the next time he woke up screaming again because the soldier had just rolled over and crushed Steve's throat he woke up with Steve's hands on his arms and his reassuring words in his ears. And while it was still horrifying to wake up like this Steve's presence brought him back faster than Jarvis ever could.

Steve never asked what the dreams were about and Bucky wasn't sure if it was because he wanted to give Bucky time and the choice to talk when he was ready or if he was afraid of what Bucky would tell him. Either way he never asked and instead just held him.

The soldier dreamt less and less about missions he had completed and more about reaching his last goal and after the fifth consecutive night of screaming Steve finally asked if it had always been this bad.

Bucky wasn't sure what to say, if admitting that Steve's close presence prompted more of these dreams would cause Steve to leave and so he nodded and Steve held him even closer.

The dreams got more and more vivid every night and the soldier rejoiced in that.

Bucky refused to sleep for a while and instead watched the steady rise and fall of Steve's chest to remind him that Steve was alive, that he was fine and that the soldier would not win, not this time.

Something must have stirred Steve because when Bucky looked at him the next time blue eyes met his and Steve pulled him down and tucked his head under his chin and told him to sleep, that it was okay, that he was here.

Bucky closed his eyes and the soldier grabbed the knife that he hid under the pillow to stab it into Steve's side and pierce his lungs. The soldier smiled when Steve looked incredulous at him and he pulled the knife out to cut his throat.

Bucky woke up screaming, metal hand closed around Steve's throat, who was still trying to talk to him. He let go with a sob when he realized what he'd done and there was no sleep for the rest of the night.

Steve wouldn't go back to his own bedroom though and so they crawled in together the next night again. Bucky finally admitted that he was afraid of sleeping, that he wasn't sure what he would do in his sleep and Steve reassured him that he could defend himself against Bucky if it ever really would be necessary.

Bucky settled in for the night somewhat relieved that Steve hadn't needed to defend himself for real until now and the soldier scowled at that. He hit Steve in the head hard and with the metal arm and took his time relishing in the fear that was in Steve's eyes.

Bucky woke up and he couldn't differentiate between the dream and reality and Steve had to roll over and pin him to the bed to make him understand that this was real, that he was awake and the dream was over now.

Bucky couldn't look at Steve and the black eye he had for a few hours the whole day.

Bucky knew that the team advised Steve to move out of Bucky's room, that there was jo need for him to put himself in the line of danger every night, but Steve refused and came back to Bucky's bed every night.

The soldier saw this development with joy, always finding new ways to kill his target and when Steve turned towards him to ask if he was alright, why he wasn't sleeping he pulled the knife from the

sleeve where he had hidden it and stabbed Steve in the neck.

Bucky woke up screaming like always and he couldn't hear Steve, he couldn't there was too much noise and he needed to get away, he would hurt him. He scrambled out of bed and Steve wouldn't let him go he was right behind him and pulled him into a hug and Bucky grabbed the front of his shirt in desperate need to hold on to something.

Steve was eventually able to calm him down but Bucky refused to go to bed for the next couple of nights.

When he eventually did it was because he was too tired to argue with Steve anymore and when he laid down he felt Steve snuggle up behind him one arm over his waist to pull him even closer.

Bucky relaxed into Steve's body and when Steve pressed a kiss into Bucky's neck he felt him smile.

The soldier laid silently for more than half an hour before he pulled away and looked disgusted down at his target. Steve seemed to realize he was missing because he woke and sat up and the soldier put his gun to Steve's head and he had time to relish the fear in Steve's eyes before he pulled the trigger.

Blood splattered the wall behind Steve and the gunshot woke Bucky up, screaming at the top of his lungs.

He only stopped when Tony shot him up with a sedative to pull him away from Steve's body and his whole world went black.

He never really came back from this.


	19. Keep Me Alive

Bucky walked in on them when Steve started to yell at Tony.

* * *

><p>It was something about being irresponsible and putting the team in danger but it was hard to make out between the disappointed face and the flailing of his hands. Tony didn't seem to understand him either so Bucky asked "What's going on here?"<p>

* * *

><p>Steve whirled around to Bucky and paused in his lecture. "He" Steve said and pointed at Tony, "flew head first into a building while he carried Clint because he fainted. In the suit!" Steve looked expectantly at him, panting hard, but before Bucky could say a thing Bruce interrupted.<p>

"He says it's because he didn't eat or sleep the past few days."

"Eh yeah, 'he' is right here and can hear you, you know."

Steve's head snapped back to Tony but before he could start to yell again Bucky asked "Where is Clint?"

"Medical" Bruce told him. "Some minor bruises and scrapes. Nothing

serious."

"But it could have been serious. You could have killed him Tony. He does not have armour like you! What were you thinking? Why did you let this happen?"

Now Bucky stepped forward. "Maybe because, you know, he's…"

"Shut the fuck up Barnes" Tony shouted and looked furiously at Bucky.

Steve and Bruce were trying to catch up to what happened here but before they could do anything Tony walked right up to Bucky's face. "You keep your mouth shut. This is none of your business."

His voice was icy and without waiting for a reaction he walked out of the room. Steve and Bruce looked dumbfounded after him and Bucky cursed himself. "I'm gonna talk to him. It will be alright. You just...stay here."

"Bucky...you think this is a good idea? You're not Tony's...favourite person. He kinda seems to, well, not like you."

Bucky laughed at the understatement of that. "Yeah I know" he said and pushed his hair back. "But I think he doesn't want to see any of you. So…just wait."

Steve nodded and Bucky went to look for Tony. He found him in his workshop standing at a table, screwdriver in his hand but not doing anything. When he heard the door open he didn't even turn around.

"I knew you knew it."

Before Bucky acknowledged that Tony had said something he walked closer until he stood right next to tony. "Is that why you hate me? Cause I know?"

Tony let out a bitter laugh. "If only it would be that easy."

"What exactly is happening?" Bucky asked and watched Tony closely who looked down at his hands.

"I'm dying" Tony said. "I'm dying. What else is there supposed to happen?"

"I know that. But what is causing it?"

Tony smiled but it was bitter and there was a hint of self-hatred in there. "Metal poisoning."

Bucky frowned. "I thought you got rid of that with the new element you invented."

Tony raised an eyebrow at him and Bucky shrugged. "Fury gave me all your files. I did my homework." Tony nodded as if that wasn't really surprising him.

"So?" Bucky asked when it seemed that Tony wasn't planning on answering his question any time soon.

"So my trip to space during the Chitauri invasion didn't do me any good."

"It's been years since then.

"The new element is more resilient so it goes slower. But it's still going and I will be dead in about two years. Probably earlier."

"When will you tell the team?"

"I won't" Tony said and turned towards Bucky. "I won't and you won't either. I don't need them to worry. To look at me like you are looking at me now. I can do this. Everyone can die."

Bucky decided to ignore that particular statement and instead said: "You endangered Clint today."

"I know" Tony said and scrubbed his face. "I will be more careful. Have Jarvis monitor me better."

Bucky shook his head. "You have to tell them. They have a right to know that one of their teammates, one of their friends, is dying."

Now Tony was outright glaring at him. "You will not tell them. You will keep your mouth shut and let it be. This is my business."

"If it's your business why don't you have a solution already? You are a genius right?"

"There is nothing I can do. Inventing one element was a fluke. It won't happen again. There's now way to do it again."

"Replace it then. If space did this you just have to use one that wasn't in space."

"As if it would be that easy. Don't you think I thought about that? I replaced it. It's not working. It's already in my blood and the new reactor behaves the same way and I can't figure out why."

"Then take it out. You don't need it for your suits anymore."

"I have been at five different doctors over the last year" Tony said and heavily sat down on a chair. "Do you know what they tell me? That it's too big to take out. The hole would be too big. And if I would survive that? There will be extensive scarring. So much in fact that walking around would be difficult because I wouldn't get enough air. My chest wouldn't expand enough. So that leaves me with what? Spending the rest of my life down here, far away from anything that could cause me too much stress? I don't think so."

"So you just decide to give up and don't tell anyone."

"Essentially. How did you know?" Tony asked suddenly.

"I've been watching. It's really not that subtle once you realize that something is off. And the team has realized that, Tony, it's only a matter of time before they find out."

"Mh" was all Tony said to that.

"So is that why you hate me?" Bucky decided to call it what it was and not sugar coat it like Steve had. "Cause I figured it out?"

Tony let out a heavy sigh and avoided his eyes. "No it's not."

"Then what? Is it because I ruined something with Steve? Cause I see how you look at him sometimes."

"It's... Steve?" Tony asked incredulous and looked at him. "You say you noticed I was dying by watching me but you read that wrong? Unbelievable" he muttered the last word.

"So what is it then?" Bucky asked again. "Because you seemed to like me fine in the beginning."

Tony was quiet for a long time after that but before Bucky could say anything else Tony leaned in and kissed him.

It was short and way too sweet and over before Bucky really realized what happened and when Tony pulled back he was looking directly at him. "That's why I hate you."

Bucky couldn't really make sense of that and before his brain could really catch up he said: "You are normally not into men and thanks to me you're having a sexual crisis?" Because this wasn't making a lot of sense right now.

Tony let out a small laugh at this. "Nice try, but no. Can we not do this now?" he asked and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Eh excuse me, you kissed me and told me you hate me. I think we should talk about this. Is it cause you think Steve and I have a thing?"

Tony rolled his eyes at that instead of answering.

"Is it cause you think I'm not into men?"

"Well, you are from the 40ies" Tony muttered and now it was Bucky's time to roll his eyes.

"Let me tell you, I am very much into men and if you kiss me again I will show you just how much I'm into you by kissing you into tomorrow."

Tony cringed at that and that only made Bucky even more confused. "What in that sentence was not okay?"

Tony shook his head before he lowly said: "I knew you would reciprocate it, I just knew it. Damn."

"Okay, usually when feelings are being reciprocated you don't say damn the way you just did. What is going on?"

"Nothing. I want you to leave now."

"Oh yeah not happening. I just said that I like you too"

"Bucky don't"

"and you still say you hate me. And I wanna know why." Bucky looked at Tony but he was meeting his glare without hesitation.

"I want you to leave."

"Why do you hate me?"

"Leave me alone."

"Why do you hate me?"

"I said LEAVE!" Tony yelled and Bucky yelled right back.

"Why do you hate me?"

"Because you make me want to live!" Tony shouted at him and couldn't hold his gaze anymore.

"What?" was all Bucky could ask because he didn't really understand what that was supposed to mean.

"I've been dying for three years now" Tony said and ruffled his hair. "And I've been okay with this. I made preparations and I did all I could. My affairs are in order. But then you saunter in and suddenly dying seems like a bad idea. So I went to see doctors and I tried to develop a new arch reactor but it's not working, none of it, and I knew it wouldn't and yet I tried nonetheless and it's your fault for making me want to live!"

Bucky was stunned into silence by Tony's outburst but when Tony turned away he grabbed his hand.

"You are not going to leave right now."

"Let me go. This is not going to go anywhere."

"Come back here" Bucky said and tugged at the arm so that Tony tumbled towards him. Bucky caught him and steadied him before he sat Tony down on the chair again.

"You don't get to leave right now."

Tony closed his eyes as if he was in pain and Bucky squeezed his wrist.

"You don't get to quit. Not this and not your life."

"Bucky there's no solution to this. No way to make it go away."

"Maybe not right now. But you still have two more years and you will not quit. You will continue to look for a cure and you will tell Bruce so that he can help you and it gets bad you will quit the team but what you will not quit under any circumstances is living."

Tony was looking wide eyed at him and then he was leaning in. Or maybe Bucky was leaning in.

This time the kiss was much more heated and when they pulled apart Bucky took Tony's face into his hands and rested his forehead on Tony's.

"And you do not get to quit this. We will find something. And until we do we will make the best of your time."

He put some distance between them again but didn't let go. "Do you understand me?"

Tony blinked a few times before he finally nodded. "Yeah, okay."

"Good" Bucky said and kissed him again.

He knew that this would be difficult but he was sure that between Tony and Bruce, and maybe even Reed and Doctor Strange if he could convince Tony to talk to them, there would be a solution for this.

There had to be. He was not about to lose another thing.


	20. Long Gone 20

The death of the team - different ending

* * *

><p>This is essentially chapter 16 all over again except for the ending. That is much worse. And so the major character death warning applies even more now. A friend of mine told me she expected this end and now I did it. Sorry, I had to.<p>

* * *

><p>Clint had been the first to go. It was kind of ironic because the team had told him again and again that he had to stop throwing himself from buildings because one day there wouldn't be someone to catch him.<p>

Clint had just laughed at that and shrugged and told them that he would get back up even if that happened.

But he didn't get back up. Not with that many shattered bones in his body.

Natasha had become reckless after that, taking risk after risk and she wouldn't listen to the team.

It was after five days that the Avengers got a lead on Natasha's captors and by then it was too late. What the team found out later was that she died under torture with less resistance than any of them would have ever thought.

Maybe it was true what Fury had prophesised when he said that Clint's death broke her.

Coulson quit after that.

He had a hard time dealing with Clint's death but after Natasha he resigned and vanished. The team knew that Fury kept an eye on him and so they didn't worry that much until one day during a debriefing Fury told them that they had to attend Coulson's funeral next Tuesday. He didn't explain or say what happened but no one expected him to.

They all showed up on Tuesday.

Thor...Thor's death was kind of laughable. If it wouldn't be sad.

He didn't die during a fight or because of carelessness but because of politic intrigues.

He had succeeded his father as the rightful heir and king of Asgard but it looked like not everyone was on board with this. He died of poison.

Sif came to the earth to tell them and the team, well Steve, Tony and Bruce, since it was down to them, mourned him for a long time.

Tony died because one of the villains they fought on a general basis found out that the arc reactor was actually pretty easy to damage.

All it needed was a hard shove so that it crushed Tony's spine and cause a lot of internal damage.

Tony bled to death before Steve could even reach him.

There was a lot of publicity to this whole thing, much more than to the death of the other avengers, and Pepper handled it as best as she could.

One day she came to Steve with a lot of paperwork and told him that Tony had left most of his stuff to him. She said his exact words were 'He's gonna live forever. He needs a familiar place.'

Steve tried to drink himself stupid after that but of course it didn't work.

Bruce died of the only thing the hulk couldn't protect him from: old age.

He aged at Steve's side until his body failed him and his heart gave up.

The hulk didn't show his face once.

Steve was standing at the cemetery looking down at the graves of his team mates.

They had buried them all at one place, even made a stone for Thor, so that the team would still be together.

It had been twenty years since Bruce died now, sixty since Clint's death, and Steve hadn't visibly aged. He still looked like he was in his later twenties, though he felt so much older.

He came to the graves regularly, told his team about the changes that happened, about the villains he fought, mostly alone these days, and sometimes he just stood there.

Today was such a day.

He had nothing to say to his dead team and he wondered how long he could keep doing this.

He startled when a hand laid down on his shoulder and he turned around, already grabbing for his shield. When he saw who it was his fingers lost the grip on it.

"Bucky" he whispered and felt a rush of emotions he couldn't name.

Bucky looked a bit older, maybe like he was in his mid-thirties now instead of his late twenties, but it was unmistakable him.

Steve had searched for him after Hydra and Shield went down but he had never managed to find him.

"I'm sorry it took me so long" Bucky said and he even sounded like before.

He squeezed Steve's shoulder again and he closed his eyes to hold back the tears. Maybe with Bucky by his side it would be easier to endure all of this.

He moved to cover his hand with his own but Bucky took his hand and held it away from him. "My handlers are not happy with me" he said and gave Steve a tight smile.

"Because you are not their asset anymore?" Steve asked and was confused by the manic glint in Bucky's eyes.

"No. Because it took me so long to complete my mission" he said and unsheathed a knife. Before Steve could react to that Bucky, the soldier, had already buried it in his side and Steve felt how it tore through flesh and his lungs and grazed his heart and he knew that his body wouldn't be able to heal itself fast enough to save him.

He slumped forward, his legs unable to stabilize him and Bucky caught him, held him upright. Steve felt dizzy, his whole world going black, and before he died he mumbled "Thank you" into Bucky's neck and when the soldier put his target to the ground the man was wearing a small smile on his lips.

The soldier frowned at that and turned away, to leave his most difficult target between the graves of his friends.


	21. Kiss It Better

Two times kisses made Bucky's and Tony's injuries better.

* * *

><p>I just have very strong feelings about little Tony meeting the Winter Soldier<p>

* * *

><p>Tony was five and fast asleep when something heavy fell down in his room.<p>

He blinked until he could see and when there was a shadow in the room he did not panic but turned on the light because shadows disappear then and waking his mom and dad for this was a thing he learned not to do.

But when the light filled the room and the shadow became a man he considered starting crying for a moment. Until he saw the bloody bandage around the man's chest.

He knew that this man just broke into the house and that his father would be very angry with Tony for not telling him that but the man was hurt and Tony was clever enough to believe he could figure this out on his own.

So he pushed his blanket aside and the movement seemed to make the man realize that there was another person in the room.

Before Tony could get out of bed there was a gun pointed at his head and while he had seen many guns in his very short life he lived in the believe that none of them would hurt him and so he didn't hesitate to continue with his plan of getting out of the bed and closer to the man.

The gun followed his every step but like Tony believed it didn't hurt him at all and when he was standing directly in front of the man he lowered it.

The light of his bedside lamp caught on something shiny and only now did Tony realize that the arm that was holding the gun was made out of metal and if that wasn't the coolest thing Tony had ever seen he would be lying.

"It looks so soft. Can I touch it?" he asked and the man startled and let out a pained groan. "You're hurt" Tony said and pointed at the bloody bandage.

The man looked at him with cold blue eyes and he didn't say a word which had to be because of the mask he was wearing.

Tony gestured to the floor. "You need to sit down so I can make it better" he said with all the confident of a child and the man just let himself fall down heavily.

He panted a bit and kept his right arm close to his chest and Tony petted his shoulder not aware of the fact that the gun was pointing at him again.

Now that the man was sitting he was just at the right height for Tony to lean in and give him a kiss on the forehead. When he pulled back the man was staring at him and Tony shrugged.

"It's supposed to be better now. Mom always does this to the kids at the orphanage if they are hurt. I don't know if it helps but they always look happy afterwards."

The man didn't say anything but he relaxed slightly and Tony sat down next to him, on his left side so that he could investigate the arm.

His dad let him play with some metal and tools from time to time but Tony had never seen something so shiny and beautiful like this arm.

He started to tell the man about it and then he rambled on about all the other exciting stuff that was happening in a five year old child's life and when he wakes up in his bed in the next morning he believes it was just a dream.

Tony declined a trip to the medical bay.

He claimed that he is not hurt and that he has to go down to his workshop anyway to wriggle his way out of his dented armour and so the team leaves him be.

But when Tony does get out of the armour he also takes out the plate that was lodged inside his side and it starts to bleed profoundly. He curses and pushes every cloth on it without thinking too hard about the stuff he wiped away with that.

It still doesn't stop bleeding and he has to get the medical kit out and stitch himself back together but if he relieves the pressure he is sure he won't make it to the stitches.

He contemplates calling Bruce or even Steve but before he can decide by whom he is going to be yelled at Bucky walks in.

He assesses the situation with one glance and then asks "Where is the medical kit?" because he knows that Tony keeps one in every room.

"Cupboard to the left" Tony said and his voice is pressed and god this hurts.

Bucky quickly walks over to get the kit and then rushes back. "Let me see" he says and Tony briefly pulls the cloths away so that Bucky can get a good look.

"Christ, Tony. You should have just gone to medical."

"I hate it there."

"I know" Bucky sighs and prepares everything he needs. "We all do. But you could have internal bleedings."

"Jarvis would have told me. He scanned me already, isn't that right buddy?"

"Yes, sir. And there is no internal damage but the wound is pretty deep and I think seeing a real doctor is the proper course of action here. No offense Sergeant Barnes."

"None taken" Bucky says when he turns to Tony again. "He is right you know. A real doctor could do this better than me."

"Just get it done" Tony says, trying to hide his pain.

Bucky shakes his head. "Okay fine" he says nonetheless. "You need to sit down so I can make it better" he continues and Tony obeys without arguing.

Bucky is good at this and so the stitches and bandages are done in no time. He fixes the last bandage and then he leans in to kiss Tony on the forehead.

"There, all better" he says and turns around to close the kit.

Without him being aware of it Tony's hand moves to the place Bucky just kissed and the stares at Bucky before he manages to ask "What was that for?"

Bucky turns back to him and there was a little smile on his face. "You told me this would make it all better. But you don't remember that, right? I've been wondering since I came here. You don't remember the night we met."

Tony stared at him and he vaguely remembered a dream he had when he was little and now that he was thinking about it that arm did look familiar to him.

"You really were there. I thought it was a dream. You were gone in the morning and I was in my bed. And that arm seemed way to cool to be true."

Bucky laughed at that and shook his head. "No that happened. I got hurt on a mission and I needed a place to stay save for a few hours before my handlers picked me up and I walked into your bedroom."

"And I kissed you on the forehead" Tony groaned. "I kissed the worlds most feared assassin on the forehead to make his wound better."

Bucky was still chuckling and Tony covered his face. "Oh god. Don't ever tell that to anyone."

"I think it was cute. Well" Bucky said considering, "not then of course because you were just a tiny person who was not part of the plan and I had no idea what to do with you, but in retrospect it was adorable."

"Stop talking" Tony groaned again and shook his head. "This is not happening. It was just a dream. Let's leave it at that."

Bucky walked closer to him and pulled his hands from his face. "Let's not pretend that that was a dream. It was a little sign of affection and it was so caring from a little child and they erased a lot of my memory but somehow that always stayed with me. It kept me sane sometimes. Made me believe that being a horrible killer wasn't all I could be."

Tony stared at Bucky and he could not believe that the careless gesture of a child could mean so much to Bucky but apparently it did. He smiled and got up and then he cupped Bucky's face in his hands to tilt his head down.

He gave him a kiss to the forehead and he said "I told you it would all be better with this."

He could feel Bucky smile and he pulled him into a hug and Bucky went willingly.

He carefully wrapped his arms around Tony, mindful of his injury and buried his face in Tony's neck.

"Yes you did" he said and that was all they said for a long time.


	22. Speak Up

Bucky has to speak up before it's too late

* * *

><p>Bucky knew he should tell Tony already.<p>

And he did think about it, he really, really did, but it never seemed right somehow.

But when there are more missions for the Avengers, more bad guys who try to kill them, he decides he will tell Tony when he comes back home safe.

And so when the alarm rings the next time and the Avengers hurry off to fight for their lifes and the planet and Bucky is left behind to worry and fret that not all of them will make it he decides that if Tony makes it back alive he will tell him.

And the team gets back hours later, tired and bruised but alive, and when Tony meets him in the kitchen Bucky smiles at him and tells him to rest.

He tells himself he will do it the next time.

But missions come and go and Bucky knows that it has been a long time and he feels ashamed for not being able to tell Tony but he never does it.

He worries about him, he banters with him, he lets him fix his arm and he even flirts with him but he never lives up to the promise he made to himself.

Instead he stays quiet and hopes that it will eventually go away.

He doesn't even know why he's so afraid of telling Tony because all he can do is reject him but he is. He feels sick when the Avengers leave for a fight and he feels sick when he thinks about telling Tony and so it's just easier to not think about it. To stay the way there are. Surely this is better for all of them.

Except it's not.

Bucky sleeps less because he beats himself up about being this weak and a coward and during the days he is afraid for Tony's life and it wears him out.

But still he won't man up and get it out already and that leads only to more sleepless nights.

Until Tony goes to his favourite coffee shop around the corner and is being shot.

The Avengers are immediately alerted but when they arrive Tony was already rushed to a hospital. The assassin barely missed his heart but damaged the arc reactor instead and the doctors don't know if he will pull through.

Part of it is because Tony had sustained serious injuries and massive blood loss but also because they don't know enough about the reactor to properly repair it.

Steve brings in Reed and Bruce is of course there but they can't seem to fix it and there are no blueprints for this thing and so they can't do anything.

The team starts to live in the hospital and the doctors have long given up on trying to throw them out and on telling them that there are visitor hours they have to keep. And so the team stays and they fret and Bucky feels cold throughout the whole thing.

He knows that Tony can and probably will die and that he missed his chance entirely because he was too afraid. And he realizes now that he was too afraid that something like this would happen, that he could lose Tony, but losing him without ever telling him how he felt was actually worse.

After the fifth day he can't take it anymore and he left to go back home which was a stupid idea because it's Tony's place with Tony's presence and he is not there.

So he goes down to the workshop to look after Dummy and Butterfingers and You to tell them that their creator still hangs on when Jarvis speaks to him.

Turns out Tony has installed a safety protocol that allows Jarvis to give away the arc reactor plans after five days of being unconscious. Which is stupid really because he could be dead by then.

What is even more stupid is that Bucky is the only one who can access the plans. Tony put in protocols and passwords that only allowed Bucky to get the plans and it doesn't make sense cause he doesn't know what to do with them so he gets

Jarvis to send them to Bruce and then he rushes back to the hospital where Bruce is already working on repairing the damage.

It goes well and the arc reactor resumes its glowing and over the course of the next few days Tony's vitals get better, more stable.

On the twelfth day he wakes up shortly and the doctors tell them that he is out of the woods and that they are optimistic and Bucky never leaves his side after that again.

The team takes turns now, so that some of them can actually sleep but Bucky doesn't leave Tony's side. He knows that if Tony ever wakes up he is going to tell him. No more excuses, no more waiting.

This showed him that he has to say it already.

Tony really wakes up fourteen days after the shooting and Bucky is right there by his side and Tony weakly squeezes his hand.

"You are an idiot" Bucky manages through the lump in his throat and the tears in his eyes.

"You are too" Tony rasps and Bucky hands him a glass of water.

"You gave me access to your plans." What he meant to say was 'you gave me access to your heart' because the arc reactor was Tony's heart but he was too much of a coward to say that.

"You took care of it" Tony managed after a few careful sips of water and Bucky didn't know if they were talking about the same thing anymore.

Instead of asking he got up and turned to leave but Tony tried to hold him back and even if he was too weak to manage that Bucky turned back around to him.

"I'm going to get the doctor."

"Don't leave" Tony whispered and Bucky sighed.

"Alright. I'm going to stay for a bit longer."

Tony gave an appreciating nod and closed his eyes again. "Love you" he mumbled and though Bucky was sure that it was pain meds induced he couldn't help but smile and feel a slight flutter of his heart.

"I love you too, Tony" he said and Tony made a pleased sound before he went back to sleep.

Bucky didn't know if that was something that Tony would remember the next time he woke up but now that he had already said it once he was sure it would be easier to repeat.

And he would surely do so if Tony forgot this one.


	23. Fear Him

There were six mistakes a villain could make regarding Tony Stark

* * *

><p>There were six mistakes a villain could make when they decided to abduct a member of the Avengers and they all began with number one: capture Tony Stark.<p>

The villains always thought about who to kidnap, they bragged about it afterwards, how they made the right choice and all and it always goes like this.

Steve is the leader of the team and the public face and a super-serum enhanced soldier which makes him dangerous and strong even without the shield. So he's obviously not the one to take.

Bruce would be the perfect choice if it weren't for the Hulk. Villains are afraid of him and they fear, rightfully so, that they can't control him and so they stay awake from Bruce.

Natasha had a reputation of a very successful assassin with a perfect track record and truthfully people are afraid of her and her skills, especially her mind games.

Thor is not on earth enough to be a good choice and besides, he doesn't understand earths' way they say.

Clint, well Clint is usually considered the perfect victim but in the end the villains always think he is too dumb to get them what they want. Which really just proofs that Clint has the best tactic of them all.

So that leads them to Tony. First they think about Iron Man and how difficult it would be to capture him but after a bit of thinking they see the man underneath the suit and they rub their hands because Tony Stark without his armour? What could he possibly do.

And that is mistake number one.

Because Tony Stark as Iron Man is a sight to behold. Tony Stark without his suit gets creative and dangerous. And Tony Stark without his suit and one of his team members endangered is outright terrifying.

But is also mistake number two.

Villains rightfully think that Tony would never give them what they want and so they always go for another team member that they can torture to convince Tony to do what they demand.

Usually they go for Clint or Natasha, and sometimes if the villain is very daring they go for Pepper.

Which makes mistakes three to six obsolete since they never get so far. Abduct Pepper and hell will rain down on you. When Pepper is involved Tony is out before Shield even really realizes they are captured and all that is left to do for them is search the remains for any valuable intel. Thankfully most of the villains understood that by now.

So they mostly go for Clint or Natasha and the only thing it does for Tony is that it makes him angry, the cold efficient anger that he needs to come up with his best ideas, and therefore creative. Sometimes it also makes him sick but that depends on the villain and what they are willing to do.

The reason for the abduction usually leads to mistake number three. They want something from Tony and so they put him into a room with computers or machines and tools. He is supervised of course, every step of his work, but they are just villains with no or scarce computer knowledge because if they knew how to do it they would do it themselves.

But instead they give Tony the playground he needs and provide every tool he asks for and then they go on and demand something from him.

Mistake number four comes right after that because they believe him when he tells them he's making progress.

They check his work and can't find anything that looks suspicious and they have his team mates under torture and malnourished and sometimes badly hurt and they know he wouldn't go anywhere without them.

And they are right he wouldn't but that doesn't mean he plans the perfect escape plan for every situation he finds himself in.

Mistake number five is that the villains believe they just have to monitor the remaining Avengers and Shield to stay one step ahead of them because of course Tony Stark would need saving.

What they don't know is that Tony is indeed able to save himself, thank you very much. So even if the computer they have him work on is the worst he could imagine he always finds a way to connect to Jarvis and to send his suit on the way.

When Tony gets abducted it is already mostly protocol for Shield to wait for Jarvis' call to let them know where they have to go to pick up whoever had the misfortune to be bait for Tony. Which usually includes a medical team because of all the damage Natasha or Clint suffered.

Tony is very capable of escaping without help. He had enough practice with that.

The sixth mistake is the one the villains are always really caught off guard by.

When Tony's plan begins to play itself out, when the suit arrives and he wracks havoc with it, when his team mates are saved and Shield is on their way, the villains always expect mercy.

They never think that Tony would be capable of hurting or even killing them but they seem to forget that they seriously injured his friends, with a maniac smile most of the times, to get him to do stuff that endangers the whole planet.

The villains forget those facts pretty easily when they stare into the extended thrusters and beg for their lives but Tony doesn't. Tony never forgets and he never forgives.

Sometimes Shield gets to them before Tony has a chance to get to the villain but most of the time that's not the case.

What's left for Shield is usually cleaning up after Tony and taking care of the injured Avengers because the rest has been dealt with.

And so Tony Stark has brought more villains down than the whole team together and yet the villains still think it's the smart move to abduct him.

Sometimes he wonders if they will ever learn.


	24. Leave Him

Steve makes a promise. It's not him who can't keep it

* * *

><p>So these seem to get longer and longer which can tell you a lot about my sleeping problem. And as you may have noticed I have a thing for TonyBucky so if I were you I wouldn't expect anything else for a while. I hope you enjoy this.

* * *

><p>When Bucky waltzed into the tower and therefor the Avengers' life, redeemed by Steve and cleared by Shield psychologists, Tony knew that it would change a lot.<p>

The team was watching his every step warily, not really convinced that he was not dangerous anymore, but he proved himself over and over again.

Tony was more wary around him than the others because he was a bit afraid that it would change something between him and Steve.

Steve had admitted early on that he and Bucky had a brief, secret thing during the war but that it had ended before Bucky fell and Tony believed him, he really did. It was just that Tony was, well Tony, and if something or someone better came up, which meant literally anyone, people were prone to leave him.

And so he was stressed and avoiding Bucky and trying so damn hard to please Steve just so that he wouldn't leave him.

Steve noticed of course and sat him down one evening. "Tony. What is going on?" he asked and Tony wanted to cringe. Because right then and there nothing was going on. Steve was still Steve, happy to have his best friend back, happy to be Tony's boyfriend and nothing had changed so far.

So Tony didn't tell him what was going on and instead said "You must be happy to have Bucky back" because it was the first thing that came to mind.

Steve narrowed his eyes at that and Tony could almost see the wheels turning and he should have phrased that better because he knew that Steve was going to figure it out before he even opened his mouth.

"You think I will leave you and go back to him." It wasn't even a question just a statement, that's how damn sure Steve was that this was the problem.

"Maybe" Tony said and tried not to give too much away but of course Steve could read him.

He took his hand and said "I am not going to leave you for Bucky. I promise you that. I love you and I will not leave you for him. He is my best friend."

"But he used to be something more" Tony lowly pointed out.

"And we got over that way before he fell. We had time to get our friendship back. You don't have to worry about it." Steve sounded sincere, he was always sincere, but this time Tony felt like it held more importance than usual.

And Steve promised. He wasn't a person who did that lightly because he always stood by his promises and so Tony was relieved.

He started to actually interact with Bucky, allowed himself to get crazy over that beautiful arm that needed so much attention and he talked to Steve about Bucky. Bucky being in the workshop became a common occurrence, if there was something to fix on the arm or not.

Tony felt everything was going good until Natasha pulled him aside. "You have to be careful" she said with a look to Bucky.

"About what?" he asked confused and followed her gaze. "You think he'll hurt me?"

"That's not what I meant. I just... he and Steve have history. They get each other. I don't want you to get hurt. None of us do."

It was only then that Tony realized that the team had been oddly protective about him lately and that they had successfully intervened in every situation that required Steve and Bucky to be in one room.

"You think Steve's going to leave me" he said with a little smile, touched by the fact that Natasha cared. She nodded and he went on. "But that won't happen cause he told me it is long over and he even promised."

Her eyes slightly widened at that but she smiled. "Good. Good for him."

Tony wondered what would happen to Captain America if he broke that promise but frankly it was too terrifying to think about that so instead he turned back to Bucky.

"Think I can go over there now and fix the latest kink it has developed?" he asked Natasha and pointed at the arm.

"Sure. You go and have fun" Natasha told him with a light touch to the arm.

So Tony went back to his work and now that he knew about the concerns of the team it became much more apparent that they were protecting him whenever they could.

It was sweet, really, if not a little overbearing because he trusted Steve with this.

Instead of telling them to back off he spend more and more time in Bucky's presence to show them that there was absolutely no reason to be this concerned and he even managed to get Steve and Bucky in a room without one of the others bursting in.

It all went very well until one day Tony was hit by the realization that he was

falling for Bucky.

He couldn't even pinpoint when it had begun just that he liked spending every minute with him and that he avoided Steve now and that he couldn't stop thinking about Bucky and it wasn't only because he was hot. Tony could have handled that.

But it was also because Bucky was funny and sarcastic and knew how to get what he wanted by pushing the right buttons and he challenged Tony to a level that Steve couldn't.

Tony tried to ignore it, he send Bucky out of the workshop when there was nothing to fix on the arm, banning him from just keeping him company and after that didn't really work he started avoiding him too.

And even though it was a big tower with many floors Bucky still was a trained assassin and he managed to find Tony every time he hid.

And so he did on this day. Tony had seen Steve and Bucky in the common kitchen eating and he had turned around to flee to his own kitchen, not willing to spend time with those two together.

He could enjoy the quiet, Steve and Bucky free space for approximately two minutes before Bucky marched in.

"You are avoiding me."

"I could be avoiding Steve" Tony tried half-heartedly because he had learned the hard way that bullshitting Bucky didn't really work.

"Sure. So what did I do?" Bucky asked while he moved closer.

"Nothing really. But I would prefer it if you could stay there." Because lately it just had become very hard to keep his hands off of Bucky and Tony was in no mood to exercise restrain today.

"So I'm not allowed closer but I didn't do anything. Is there a reason you keep the kitchen island between us?"

Bucky had started to walk towards him despite Tony's request and Tony found it easier to keep distance if something physically enhanced it.

"Why don't you go back to Steve. You two seemed to have such a lovely time."

"If this is meant to imply that Steve and I have a thing going on I have to tell you, you are mistaken."

"Oh I know, I know" Tony muttered and went around the island when Bucky kept moving.

"Could you stop doing this Tony? What is going on?"

"Did you know that Steve promised not to leave me for you?"

Bucky stopped dead in his tracks and mulled that over. "Why would he do that? I am not interested in him and he is not interested in me. He is with you."

"I know that. Believe me, do I know that."

"So if that is not your problem..." Bucky started and trailed off. "He promised you. And he keeps his word. But you didn't promise and that is the problem here right?"

Bucky looked at Tony to get some confirmation and when Tony couldn't hold his gaze Bucky started to curse before he said "I kinda hoped that you wouldn't feel this way because then it would have been just me and my stupid crush on my best friends boyfriend."

"No nononono, you did not just say that. Don't say that. It's not a crush. You don't get to have a crush on me because I cannot handle this." Tony said and sat down on a chair. "I cannot leave him. He promised me. I can't go and do what he promised not to."

"I know" Bucky sat down on a chair opposite of Tony's. "But what are we gonna do? I mean I have feelings for you and you have feelings for me and are you still in love with Steve?"

"No he's not" Steve said from the door and both heads whipped around to him.

"Steve" Tony whispered and silently wondered how long he had been standing there.

"I knew something was going on because you are usually a very hands-y person but lately you've kept your distance and I was wondering what I did but it wasn't me."

"Nothing is going on Steve, I swear. I am just in love with that arm and projected it onto Bucky. Please. It's nothing."

Steve smiled sadly at him. "Did you even notice that all you ever talk about is Bucky related? Everything that comes out of your mouth when we are together is about him. And I tried to ignore it, tried to tell myself that it was nothing, but clearly it isn't. You two are in love and I am in the way."

Tony didn't know what to say to that and so he turned to Bucky who was holding Steve's gaze. "I didn't mean to fall in love with him. It just happened. And I would never have done anything about it. I still won't if you two decide to work it out."

Steve looked at him before he turned his gaze at Tony. "And you were so afraid that I would leave you. I always knew it would be you who leaves me."

He turned back to Bucky. "We are not going to work this out. Tony and I are done. I will not stand between you two because a stupid promise keeps him bound to this."

He sounded sure but his voice was flat and there was no sign of emotion. Over the years Tony had learned that that was the voice Steve used when he was hurting so bad that he didn't knew what to do and Tony felt so horrible he was almost sick.

"I am so sorry Steve. I didn't mean to. I wasn't asking for this."

"Well, neither was I" Steve whispered and turned towards the door. "I will get my things and move back to my floor. It won't take long."

Before Tony could think of something else to say Steve was already gone.

"Well shit" Tony whispered and Bucky agreed with him.

"Now what are we gonna do?" Bucky eventually asked and Tony turned to him.

"We are not going to do anything. My boyfriend of three years just left me and even though I am in love with you I will need some time."

Bucky nodded and didn't argue with that. They had already waited long enough that this wouldn't make much of a difference anymore.


	25. Let Me Go

There had been an accident. Now Tony is faced with the thoughest decision he ever had to make.

* * *

><p>So this is a major character death drabble again. I don't even know what drove me to do this. I think I just like to see Tony and Bucky suffer. And you can suffer with them like I did.<p>

I changed a part of that story last minute so if you find something funny or something that doesn't make sense please let me know.

And now enjoy!

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><p>Tony was chipper as he worked on his latest invention which demanded a lot of his attention and so he only briefly glanced over when Steve walked in. Bucky was not with him and so Tony quickly concentrated back on his work.<p>

"Hey Cap. How did it go? Where's Bucky?"

"Tony" Steve said and Tony knew that tone. It meant something serious was about to happen and he sighed as he turned around, already ready to mock him with whatever this was.

When he got a good look at Steve's face he sobered up completely though. This face meant bad news.

"Where is Bucky?" Tony asked again because he usually came down to the workshop first when he returned from a mission. Tony as well as Bucky needed the reminder that the other was alright.

"Tony I have to" Steve started haltingly but Tony was having none of that.

"Just spit it out Cap. Don't drag this along" Tony said and already stabilized himself on the workbench behind him as if to brace himself for a hit that was to come. "Just tell me."

Steve took a deep breath and then said "There has been an accident."

Tony shook his head. "No. You don't say that. Ever. Not with this kind of face. You don't get to say that."

"Tony, please" Steve stepped closer and Tony raised his hand. If it was as bad as he thought he would need the distance.

"Is he still alive? Just tell me that. Is he still alive?"

"He is in medical" Steve answered.

Relieve washed through Tony and he was ready to hit Steve for scaring the shit outta him. "So what happened?"

"Tony you have to listen to me" Steve said in the most urgent voice he could muster. "It's not good. He is alive but that's it. He...the doctors say...it doesn't look good. He can't move."

So maybe it was time for Tony to lean onto the table again. "But that will change, right?"

Steve shook his head. "I didn't really understand what the doctor told us but something in his brain short circuited or something and now he can't do anything."

"You have to stop talking right now. I have to go" Tony told him and pushed past him not caring if Steve was following him or not.

He arrived in Shield medical not ten minutes later and when he stepped out of his suit a doctor was already waiting for him along with Fury and Coulson.

"Mr Stark, we would have called you immediately but Captain Rogers asked us to wait until he spoke to you."

"Why would you call me?" Tony asked, momentarily confused.

The doctor frowned and said "You are listed as his closest kin and are therefore his emergency contact."

Tony's eyebrows shot up. "I am what?"

The doctor opened his mouth to speak again but Tony stopped him. "No, you know what? I don't even care right now. Just tell me how he is."

"He was brought here because he couldn't move or breathe and after our work up we found out that he had a brainstem stroke."

Tony had done enough research to be able to connect the nerves to the arm correctly that he knew what that meant. He still shook his head.

The doctor seemed to think that he didn't understand the diagnose and elaborated. "We call it locked-in syndrome. Patients usually only have control over their eyes and that is the case here. He has been communicating through Morse code but that's about it. He is intubated because he can't breathe on his own and I am sorry but this won't heal."

"He has the serum. It will be fine. If you'll excuse me now I have to see him."

Tony moved past the doctor and avoided Fury and Coulson altogether and they were smart enough not to stop him. He took a deep breath before he entered the room and quickly closed the door behind him.

There was only one bed in here with a lot of monitors and Bucky was lying very still. Tony moved closer right beside him and when Bucky's eyes snapped to his he took his hand.

"It's alright. I'm here. It will be okay."

"Missed you" Bucky blinked with his eyes and Tony smiled. It was their usually greeting after being apart because of a mission.

"Missed you too" he answered and leaned down to kiss Bucky on the head since there was a tube sticking out of his mouth. "What happened?" Tony asked him and Tony could tell that Bucky wanted to shrug only to realize, again as it seemed, that he couldn't do it.

"Don't know. I fell" he signed and Tony stroke his head.

"Okay. We will figure this out and you will be back to your usually annoying self in no time."

Bucky indicated a nod with his eyes before he closed them. Through the monitors Tony could tell that he dozed off almost immediately and he guessed that Bucky had just stayed awake to see him.

Tony carefully let go of his hand and turned around to leave the room but he could hear Fury and Coulson talk on the other side of the door and he wasn't really ready to face them again so he went into the bathroom that was connected to this room.

He closed the door, not bothering to turn on the light, and then he let himself slide down to the ground. His breaths were coming hard and fast and he had to fight back tears.

He hadn't believed Steve, or the doctor for that matter, but seeing Bucky with his own eyes, lying in bed so helplessly, that was a total new horror. And he knew that this wasn't temporary, brainstem stroked never healed and he wasn't sure that Bucky had enough serum in his body to heal something like this.

Tony wouldn't be able to do anything for him except being strong and so he only allowed himself this break down in a dark room.

When he went back out there he needed to have himself under control. So he didn't try to stifle his breaths and sobs all that much and he kept telling himself that this would go away.

It had been four months and nothing had changed.

Bucky was still unable to move and they were nowhere near a cure. They didn't even know what caused it, though the doctors suspected that it had been due to the extensive damage Bucky's brain had suffered during the wipes.

Tony had been in medical every day and he had watched the light leave Bucky's eyes. He had made jokes in the beginning but that had long ceased. Now Bucky answered when they wouldn't leave him alone and that was it.

Sometimes he wouldn't even acknowledge that Tony was there. He had lost every will to fight and Tony could see it.

It still caught him off guard when Steve and the doctor waited for him when he came back to Bucky's room. "Mr. Stark, we have to talk."

"What?" Tony asked, already annoyed because he knew that this wouldn't lead to anything.

"This will be hard to hear, so maybe we should sit down" the doctor said and gestured at a few chairs.

Tony eyed Steve warily and realized that he looked positively sick. "What happened? Is he alright?"

"His medical condition did not change but he is not alright. Mr Stark, he asked us to turn off his life support."

Tony wavered and Steve put a hand to his shoulder to stabilize him. "No" Tony croaked out and vigorously shook his head. "Not happening. He can come back from this."

"Tony I don't think he wants that anymore. That was the first thing he said to me in over a week."

"Why are you telling me this? Why not just do it then if you think this is the right choice?" Tony bit out and slapped his hand away.

"Mr Stark, I told you, you are listed as his closest kin. That means we have to tell you. You have to at least hear it before we do it."

Everything around Tony went fuzzy for a few seconds and his ears buzzed before he got himself under control again. "Excuse me" he stiffly said and walked into the next empty room he could find.

He wanted to scream or cry or kill something but before he could do any of that Steve walked in behind him.

"Tony. We have to talk about this."

"Leave."

"Tony, please."

"I said leave" Tony screamed and hit Steve in the face.

He was fairly certain that Steve only turned his head so that Tony wouldn't break his hand but that only fuelled his anger. Even more so when Steve opened his mouth.

"He doesn't need your consent on this but I know that he wants it. He wants you to understand."

"You don't get to tell me anything. I am left with this and you need to shut the fuck up."

"Tony I know this is hard, believe me I know, but we have to" before Steve could finish his sentence Tony stormed out and waltzed into Bucky's room.

He slammed the door shut and stormed over to the bed to lean closely over Bucky who looked slightly scared up at him.

"You don't get to quit, do you hear me? And you certainly don't get to lay this decision on me. If you wanna do it then just go ahead. Please. No one is stopping you. But I will not support this decision. This is on you."

When Bucky's only reaction was a signed "Please" all the fight left Tony.

"You don't get to do this" he whispered and sat down on his bed.

"Please let me go" Bucky signed and Tony felt a tear run down his face.

"No. You can still fight this."

"I'm tired."

"You have to hold on."

"I don't want to live like this" Bucky blinked, furiously even though he couldn't move a muscle in his face, and Tony closed his eyes.

If he couldn't see what Bucky was telling him with his eyes then he wouldn't have to accept it. When Bucky's heart rate elaborated he quickly opened his eyes.

"Don't do this to me. I can't live like this" Bucky signed and Tony stood up.

"And you think I can live with supporting your suicide? I have to go now" he whispered and his voice cracked. "See you tomorrow."

With that he walked out of the room and right into Steve. "Don't make me do this" he pleaded and sank down to the floor. "You can accept his decision. You are his best friend. He just needs someone to understand. And I can't do that."

"You think I can? That in there is my brother" Steve said and Tony didn't need to look up to know that Steve was crying. "And he listed _you_. That means he wants you to understand this. Do you really think it would help if I told him I understood what he was doing? Do you?"

"I can't. I can't let them pull the plug on the machine that keeps him breathing."

"You think I can? But it's what he wants."

Now Tony looked up at him. "You think we should support him" he whispered horrified by that.

"I think that Bucky doesn't want to live like this. I think he's been through enough."

"If he didn't then maybe you shouldn't have waited for me because I am not dealing with this. He should have put up a patient's provision or something so that we wouldn't have to deal with this."

"You really believe he thought it would end like this? Tony! He is a soldier. He expected to die in battle. Not to vegetate in a smelly hospital bed."

Tony tried to suppress his tears and after a while he sought Steve's gaze.

"What would you do? Could you let him leave without showing him that you understand?"

Steve looked down at him before he avoided his gaze. "No. I couldn't. God help me, but I would pull the plug for him if that is what he needs."

Tony let out a stuttering breath and his tears flew freely now. "I can't. I can't end his life, Steve. If I go back in there and tell him that it's okay, I end his life. How am I supposed to do that? I was going to ask him to marry me and now I have to assist in his suicide?"

Steve crouched down in front of him and his face was wet with tears. "We can do it together. We can do this for him."

Tony thought about that, thought about all the other options they had, and he came up blank. "I don't want to" he finally managed.

"None of us do. But this is what Bucky wants. And that has to count for something."

New tears rolled down Tony's face when he nodded. "Okay" he silently said and Steve briefly closed his eyes as if he had been hit.

"Okay" he whispered back and got up. "I'll go and find the doctor."

When Steve was gone Tony started to cry freely. He had to do it now because he had to be strong in Bucky's room and so he let it all out.

He thought about his time with Bucky, what they had gone through and how they had managed all of it, how they overcame every obstacle, and it made him cry even harder.

He only stopped and tried to regain some sense of control when Steve knocked at the door to let him know that the doctor was there now.

Tony took some deep breaths to get himself back under control and then he stood up. He took one last deep breath as he opened the door.

He could do this. He could give Bucky what he wanted.


End file.
